The Completely Random and Slightly Insane (Mis)Adventures of Luvbi
By Midna
It's a lazy day in The Overthere. But the story doesn't start there, it starts in The Underwhere, which is also having a rather lazy day. Luvbi is floating around near Queen Jaydes's palace.
Luvbi: Gee, it definitely is rather boring around here.
Queen Jaydes: Mah gurl, this peace is what all true Nimbi strive FOR.
Luvbi: I just ponder what BONECHILL is up to.
Bonechill: Hey, guys.
Luvbi turns around and sees Bonechill standing right next to her.
Luvbi: !@#$!
At that exact moment, an invisible wormhole opens up and sucks Luvbi's swear back to the past, where it makes a rather... interesting... word substitution.
Squirps: Onward, space !@#$s! We must find the Pure Heart in the Woah Zone!
Squirps: ... But Squirps never said that! Ever. It must be the work of my arch-nemesis, Red Herring!
Tippi: I think you mean a wormhole that sucked in the swear word of someone we will meet eventually and replaced the word you were going to say, "grunt", with what you ended up saying...
Squirps: How did you know I was going to say "grunt"?
Tippi: I read your mind...
Mario: I didn't know you could read minds!
Tippi: There's a lot of things you don't know about me...
Luvbi: Umm, what is with Mario and his companions? Can we return to me?
Whatever, picky. Anyway, back to The Underwhere, Luvbi is floating next to Bonechill, and Queen Jaydes is being useless.
Luvbi: That was rather freaky.
Bonechill: Agreed. Now come over here so we can fight mano a mano.
Luvbi: I do not wanna.
Bonechill: Yes, you do. You do because it's normal.
Queen Jaydes: There will be no quoting of Family Guy in my Underwhere! The punishment is... uh...
Luvbi: What is it, Mother?
Queen Jaydes: I would say "the ending of your game", but this place is for those whose games have already ended.
Luvbi: Well, what about the post-aftergame?
Queen Jaydes: I... uhhhh... made that up. There is no post-aftergame. This is all there is. You can't end the games of people in the aftergame because this is the only game after game they get. *looks at the camera* Try saying that 20 times fast.
Bonechill: Enough of this!
The screen flashes several times, then pixilated into black. It fades into a battle screen.
Wild BONECHILL appeared!
Go! LUVBI!
LUVBI: 150/150
BONECHILL: 100%
What should LUVBI do?
>ATTACK
ITEMS
NMBI/SHDZ
RUN
LUVBI used WING ATTACK!
LUVBI: 150/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
It's not very effective...
BONECHILL used ICE BEAM!
LUVBI: 50/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
It's super effective!
LUVBI was frozen solid!
LUVBI: 50/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
LUVBI is frozen solid!
BONECHILL used SPLASH!
But nothing happened!
LUVBI thawed out!
LUVBI: 50/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
What should LUVBI do?
ATTACK
>ITEMS
NMBI/SHDZ
RUN
JAYDES used a HYPER POTION on LUVBI!
LUVBI: 150/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
BONECHILL used GUILLOTINE!
But it failed!
LUVBI: 150/150
BONECHILL: 99.9%
What should LUVBI do?
>ATTACK
ITEMS
NMBI/SHDZ
RUN
LUVBI used HYPER BEAM!
LUVBI: 150/150
BONECHILL: 1%
A critical hit!
BONECHILL used REVERSAL!
LUVBI: 2/150
BONECHILL: 1%
It's not very effective...
What should LUVBI do?
>ATTACK
ITEMS
NMBI/SHDZ
RUN
LUVBI used REVERSAL!
LUVBI: 2/150
BONECHILL: 0%
It's not very effective...
BONECHILL fainted!
Bonechill: Wow. Looks can really be deceiving.
LUVBI gained 255 EXP!
What? LUVBI is evolving!
Luvbi: That is very nice. But what wouldst happen if I was to threaten thee with sharp,pointy objects?
... Huh? LUVBI stopped evolving!
Luvbi: Much better.
Fade back to Jaydes's palace.
Bonechill: Argh! Curse you little angel types and your tendency to fling around the letter "Å¿"!
Luvbi: I don't believe I've done that before. Perhaps thou art thinking of someone elſe.
Bonechill: ARGH!
Bonechill explodes in a shower of snowflakes. A long pause follows.
Luvbi: ... Weird.
ONE MONTH LATER…
Luvbi: *sigh* A whole month hath gone by, and still there be no happenings.
Queen Jaydes: Ok, I think that's enough quoting of CD-i games.
Luvbi: Aww, thou art no fun!
A Shayde floats up to Queen Jaydes's palace.
Shayde: Uh, excuse me...
Luvbi: What dost thou want?!
Shayde: ... Uh, is this Queen Jaydes's palace?
Luvbi: That it be.
Shayde: "Yes, it is", not "that it be". You don't have to talk in Olde Englishe to me. I'm not a tourist.
Luvbi: Wouldst thou believe me if I were to say it be a verbal tic?
Shayde: ... FAL, CONE! PAWNNCH!
The Shayde spontaneously grows a hand and punches Luvbi into a conveniently-placed wormhole. Luvbi falls into a black void.
Luvbi: Wondrous. I hath been sucked through a wormhole, and now I am in a dark hole. Things could get no wor-
Snap to an 8-bit Game Boy landscape. Luvbi is standing on dark gray ground, next to a rhino and a pool of water. The sky is medium-gray.
Luvbi: Even more wondrous. *turns to the screen* Pardon my French, but I do not feel like complaining about how the ostrich segments on the SNES version of this stage required better timing than my own father!
Shut it.
Luvbi: How rude.
Jar-Jar Binks: Yeah. How wude.
Luvbi: Shut it.
Rhino: Hey, you gonna jump on my horn or what?
Luvbi: ... No...
Rhino: Then you won't go to heaven!
Luvbi: I believe thou meanst "The Overther-
The rhino sits down on the ground, knocking a bird’s nest out of the tree. Luvbi flies backwards and is brutally battered afterwards, despite the bird’s nest being about a foot away from her. Everything save for Luvbi fades to black.
Luvbi: Ugh. I loathe karma.
Jar-Jar Binks: Hey. Didn't the "bird’s-nest-kills-you-even-if-you-didn't-touch-it" rule only apply for the SNES version?
Because A) Luvbi is a Mario character; and B) this is supposed to be a Mario fan fiction and not a generic video game fan fiction, the scenery or lack thereof around Luvbi fades to an 8-bit Grass Land landscape.
Luvbi: This seems rather familiar.
A Goomba wearing a cork on its fez-like hat walks past.
Luvbi: While that doth not. I want The Underwhere back.
Luvbi: I meant... uh... "I doth want some new underwear." Yeah. That is what I said.
Boomerang Bro: Besides the fact you didn't say that, you aren't wearing pants.
Luvbi: Eep!
Luvbi covers where her pants would be with her wings, and blushes.
Luvbi: You cur! Get out of my sight or I will have thee beheaded.
Boomerang Bro: ... Well, as long as we're talking in Olde Englishe, get thee to a nunnery.
Luvbi: ... Wormhole, please?
Suddenly, Squirps drops down from the top of the sky! And he rams into the Boomerang Bro at mach 5!
Squirps: Iiiiiiiiiiis this the Woah Zone?
Luvbi: No.
Squirps: Aaaw! I guess I'll have to use a wormhole to get there.
Luvbi: I thought thou died- Didst thou say wormhole?
Squirps: No I didn't! The text after Mario got a Pure Heart in the Woah Zone, saying that Squirps was just taking a nap, was clearly visible! And... yes.
Luvbi immediately jumps on top of Squirps.
Luvbi: Take me with thou!
Squirps: Okay! Where's your stop?
Luvbi: The Underwhere.
Squirps: Can't say I've heard of that, but eh, I'll try.
Squirps charges up a Squarp and fires.
Squirps: SUCCESS!
Luvbi: Why did you feel the need to yell that?
Squirps: ... I don't know.
Luvbi: ...
Squirps and Luvbi enter the newly-created Squarp and wind up... on Yoshi's Island?
Yoshi, Spiked Fun Guy, and Shy Guy: Hey, guys! Welcome to World 2!
Luvbi shoots Squirps a nasty look.
Squirps: ... Eh, Squirps said he would try and AAH PLEASE DON'T END MY GAME!
Squirps dashes away almost immediately. Luvbi reaches out an improbably long left wing and grabs Squirps back before he can get too far.
Luvbi: Not so fast, little guy. Thou art coming with me.
Squirps: But-
Luvbi: Catch me if you can't!
Luvbi flies off.
Squirps: Hey, wait for Squirps!
Luvbi is flying between the trees of Yoshi's Island DS World 2, and is doing a pretty good job of doing it. At least, until she crashes into the wall of a castle.
Luvbi: ... Ow.
Squirps arrives, peels Luvbi off, and walks over to the front door of the castle.
Squirps: (reading what's carved into the door) "Big Hanging Piranha's Castle. Feed me if you wish to live."
Luvbi: Seeing as thou hast been nothing but a load so far, I believe I know what to feed this Big Hanging Piranha.
LATER STILL…
Luvbi is holding down a struggling Squirps, directly beneath the Big Hanging Piranha.
Squirps: NO! I can't die without telling you I had a nosebleed and wiped it on your-
Luvbi: Aaand I have heard enough.
Luvbi throws Squirps into the Big Hanging Piranha before it has a chance to react. As such, it instantly wilts and crumbles to dust, freeing Squirps before he can be digested.
Squirps: That was a close one!
Luvbi: ...he said as he pointed out the obvious.
A crowd of Yoshis immediately pile into the castle.
Yoshis: HOORAH!
One fat, green Yoshi emerges from the front of the crowd and approaches the two.
FGY: Thank you, bizarre winged one and green tentacled one! Big Hanging Piranha has been plaguing us for however long now! Please take this ritual weapon as a reward.
The fat, green Yoshi hands Luvbi a boomerang.
Luvbi: ... It is only a boomerang.
FGY: But it's a ritual boomerang! That makes everything amazing, right?
Luvbi: Wow, thou art right!
Music starts for no reason.
Luvbi: (singing) Be a boom-boom-boom-boomerang
Come and get my feet, uh, by the hands
Squirps: What feet?
Luvbi: ... Be a boom-boom-boom-boom-boomerang
Come and get my needle and begone
Snap to a pink background. Luvbi flies around in dramatic poses with the boomerang.
Luvbi: This is nu-metal's tongue
In a lighter home like that
Cut to a cartoony railroad, on which is a mine cart. Luvbi is still holding the boomerang; a Toad wearing a sandwich sign that reads "ODIN" on it is nearby. On cue, the Toad barks, and a snowy owl appears.
Luvbi: Put Luvbi on the cart or Odin barks a stupid owl
Luvbi poses again while flying on the pink background.
Cut back to the inside of the Big Hanging Piranha's castle.
Luvbi: So be a boomerang
Long pause.
FGY: ... I choose not to get it.
Random Red Yoshi: Well, we're having a festival for you anyway. Like, right now. You wanna come?
Luvbi and Squirps: Why wouldn't we?!
FGY: We're setting it up right now! C'mon!
The Yoshis pile out, and Luvbi and Squirps leap up high in the air. Some credits appear and eat Luvbi.
Luvbi: Agggh!
Squirps: What? They're just credits.
The inside of the credits looks like a large, pink, fleshy enclosed space.
Luvbi: ... Well, this stinketh.
Doctor: Well, Toad, the operation was a success. Your heart's back to normal.
Mario: AHHHHH!
Mario breaks through the wall of Toad's stomach and lands on a random train.
Luvbi: Wait! Takest me with thee!
Luvbi follows Mario out of the hole in the wall of Toad's stomach and floats down to the train... and on top of a Metool.
Metool: Hey you! Get offa my helmet!
Luvbi: Oh, my apologies.
Luvbi floats off and gets hit by Mario, and is flying towards another train at mach 1050.
Luvbi: Watch it, Mario! Thou almost hit me!
The train Mario was on slams into Luvbi, sending her flying away.
Luvbi: ... I must say, that was not very nice of thee.
Luvbi is sent through a plothole and lands back in The Underwhere.
Luvbi: Wow, it hath been a while since the author resorted to a deus ex machina, has it not?
Another plothole sends Bonechill into The Underwhere, as well.
Bonechill: I return.
Luvbi: How many times must I beat thou up before thou gets the message?
LUVBI used HYPER BEAM!
It's super effective!
Bonechill: I strike back.
Long pause. Bonechill explodes into snowflakes again.
Luvbi: ... Um, useless mother?
Jaydes: How dare you call me useless! Go to your room!
Luvbi: Yeah... um, no.
Jaydes: Awwwww...
Life returns to normal in The Underwhere for Luvbi, Jaydes, and Grambi (who exists but wasn't mentioned in the story up to this point... um, yeah).
Shayde: Uh, excuse me...
Luvbi: What dost thou want?!
Shayde: ... Uh, is this Queen Jaydes's palace?
Luvbi: ... Wouldst thou believe me if I were to say "no"?
Shayde: Yes.
Luvbi: Then no. It is not Jaydes's palace, it is, uh, the barber shop. Yeah, that's it.
Shayde: Oh. All right then.
The Shayde leaves.
Luvbi: Well, thank Grambi that incident hasn't repeated itself... Uh, Mother, you look... rather odd.
Jaydes: ... FAL, CONE! PAWNNCH!
Luvbi: AHHHHHHHH!
The End
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