Jon Stewart: Today, I'm doing this Interview because Dark Koopa and Pink are still in the belly of a Piranha Plant.

Pink: I got an infection from that. That's why I don't skate backwards anymore.

Dark Koopa: Shut up.

Jon: I had a hard time getting into the studio. I had people stopping me in the street and saying "Hey. Who are you?" It was quite annoying.

Pink: Do not drink the coconut smoothies. DO NOT drink the coconut smoothies. They taste like week-old broccoli.

Dark Koopa: Can you please shut up for a second, Pink?

Pink: Uh uh. I have a lot to say.

Jon: Today I interview Lemmy.

Lemmy: It's about time I was interviewed. Wait.

(Lemmy squints his eyes and points.)

Lemmy: (slowly) Jon Stewart.

Jon: Yeah, it's me.

Pink: I don't like that chair. It gave me a rash.

Dark Koopa: I've had enough of this. Susan, blast this sucker open.

Susan: Okay. I'll just go get my wand.

Pink: The hair drier overheated my soup. That's why I use hair curlers now.

Dark Koopa: SHUT UP!

Jon: Why are you so small?

Lemmy: I have a growth deficiency. Got a problem with that?

Jon: Not at all. Do you like Wendy?

Lemmy: What? No. Why would you ask such a thing?

Jon: Felt like it.

Lemmy: You truly are evil...

Jon: Why do you hate me?

Lemmy: I need a rival.

Jon: What about Mario?

Lemmy: I need a smart rival.

Jon: So you're saying I'm smart?

Lemmy: No.

Jon: ... Moving on. How were your balls able to bounce all around the room in Mario 3?

Lemmy: Ludwig adjusted the gravity so I could use that attack without problems.

Jon: How were the balls able to hurt Mario?

Lemmy: They had spikes on them. They were small and hard to see. The spikes couldn't go through Mario's boots though.

Pink: My house is made out of cabbage?

Dark Koopa: What?

Jon: Why don't you hang around Iggy anymore?

Lemmy: I've grown up. Iggy still wants to play those childish games. I'm too mature for that. Want to play freeze tag?

Jon: No thanks. Why do you ride a ball?

Lemmy: Being so small, I didn't have much leg power. I found out I could go pretty fast on a ball. So out of boredom, I mastered ball riding.

Jon: Where did your clones come from?

Lemmy: I created them. That's right. Me. Not Ludwig. I made them to confuse Mario. It's not hard to confuse him you know.

Jon: Why doesn't Roy attack you often? You're even smaller than Iggy.

Lemmy: I know some pretty powerful magic attacks Roy wouldn't want to mess with. Also, I can use mind games to confuse his inferior mind.

Roy: What? Why I oughta...

Lemmy: Look! Balloons!

Dark Koopa: Stop stealing my line!

Roy: What are balloons?

Jon: Audience time. Seat 11.

Roy: What's a seat?

Lemmy: It's what you're sitting in.

Roy: What's an in?

Lemmy: A motel.

Roy: What's an a?

Lemmy: You're a moron.

Iggy: I agree!

Jon: Seat 12.

Iggy: Help! Roy is pummeling me!

Lemmy: I don't hang out with you anymore. It's your problem.

Jon: Seat 444.

Ludwig: What's your philosophy?

Lemmy: Right or wrong, I'm right and you're wrong.

Jon: Seat 137.

Wario: Why do you play tricks on everyone?

Lemmy: It's fun. No one minds the jokes I play on them.

Wendy: Who put this whoopee cushion in my chair?

Jon: Lemmy.

(Wendy chases Lemmy around the studio, wielding a paddle.)

Lemmy: I  WILL TERMINATE YOU FOR THIS!

Jon: That's all we have for today.

Susan: I'm back.

Dark Koopa: Good. Now destroy the plant.

Susan: Alright.

(Susan shoots the Piranha Plant.)

Later...

Dark Koopa: Oh great. So we're dead now?

Pink: Yep.

Dark Koopa: I'd rather be in the Piranha Plant.

Pink: Wait a minute. I'm immortal. I can't die.

Writer: Oops.

(The writer rewinds it back to before the Piranha Plant Interview ever happened.)

Dark Koopa: That was unusual.

Pink: Wait. If it's back to before those Interviews occurred, how do we know that they ever happened?

Dark Koopa: I don't know.

(X-Files music starts to play.)

Jon: End transmission.

Lemmy: TERMINATE YOU!