Dark Koopa: I'm interviewing Bowyer right now. No introduction or distractions. Also, I have a Gloomtail plushie. Apparently they exist.
Gloomtail: Not so fast! Wind Crystal and I are taking over this show just like Roy's Sports Hall... once. We should do that again.
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Yes!
Dark Koopa: Aw, why me? I thought I gave you pretty good airtime as is. Go takeover Lord Seth's or Fiver's Interviews or something.
Gloomtail: Who's Fiver?
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: I see!
Bowyer: Nya! Forgettable Fiver is. Submitted something to Lemmy's Land since 2001 he has not.
Gloomtail: Who said you could talk? Stop speaking bizarro or I'll DESTROY YOU- Hey! Is that a small fuzzy likeness of me?!
Dark Koopa: Yes.
(Gloomtail snatches the plushie, and DESTROYS IT.)
Dark Koopa: Aw.
Gloomtail: Now, we must ask questions! And by we I mean Wind Crystal! I could care less!
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Bowyer: Understand, I don't.
Gloomtail: He wasn't talking to you.
(Gloomtail turns to Wind Crystal.)
Gloomtail: I don't think your plushie would sell, Wind Crystal. You're a pointy rock.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: Well, of course I would buy one.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
(Bowyer is staring stupidly off into space.)
Gloomtail: Bowyer! Wind Crystal wants to know if you'd buy a plushie of him.
Bowyer: A thousand plushies I would buy, nya! Cold at night, the Forest Maze is.
Gloomtail: Why do you live in the Forest Maze, anyway?
Dark Koopa: I thought you weren't asking questions.
Gloomtail: Silence, hostage!
Dark Koopa: Will I be a hostage if I walk out this door?
Gloomtail: Technically, no.
(Dark Koopa does so.)
Gloomtail: WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?!
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: You could have done that cool move with the petals or something.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: Well, yes, I am much bigger than both of you, but my contract with Dark Koopa restricts me to bombastic shouting and extremely forceful threats.
(Gloomtail turns to the audience.)
Gloomtail: Kids, always read the fine print.
Bowyer: Nya, received poor legal advice did you. Question I answer now, nyeh! Things involving archers usually take place in forests, mmyes?
Gloomtail: Mmyes.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: He, it, whatever said "mmyes".
Bowyer: Well, that is where Smithy deployed me. I am used to the Forest Maze, so there I stay.
Gloomtail: Here's a juicy nugget. Is the Forest Maze the same as the Forest of Illusion, Forever Forest, the Forest of Twilight, and World 4 from New Super Mario Bros? All of these forest levels seem pretty similar to me, almost as if Nintendo's been recycling old gameplay mechanics as new material.
Bowyer: Just admit to playing New Super Mario Bros, did you?
Gloomtail: ... I DIDN'T SAY I ENJOYED IT!
Bowyer: To answer your question, no, different those forests are from the one I call home, though somewhat similar I confess they do look.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: I agree, Wind Crystal. That sparkly purple aura from your world is pretty "nifty" indeed.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: Wind Crystal wants to know, and I DEMAND to know, how did you ally with the "monsters" in Forest Maze?
Mr. L: I see those quotation marks.
Gloomtail: Are you the one who prank called me?
Mr. L: Uh...
(Mr. L flees.)
Bowyer: Ally with them I did not. Intent on attacking me too they were, but much stronger than they am I, and cleared them out of my main hangout I did.
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Oho! Wind Crystal, you can really lay one out when you want to. Bowyer, Wind Crystal thinks Chained Kong could take you easy.
Bowyer: So offended have I never been!
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: Hey, I might get to see that petal move after all.
(Suddenly three purple buttons appear on the ground in front of Wind Crystal, labeled X, Y, and A.)
Kyoni: Hey, where did those come from?
Gloomtail: Hey, where did you come from?
Kyoni: Good point.
(Kyoni leaves. As he does so, Bowyer strings an arrow to... himself, and fires it into the air. It lands on the Y button in front of Wind Crystal.)
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Well, now look what you've done. You've muted Wind Crystal.
Bowyer: Nyehahaha!
Gloomtail: While I'm on the subject, how does that button thing work?
Bowyer: Disable buttons on a player's controller I do. Yeah, that powerful I am.
Gloomtail: Not as powerful as me!
Bowyer: Really now? Use what button to attack, then, do you?
Gloomtail: I'm not revealing that!
(Suddenly seven purple buttons appear in front of Gloomtail, labeled M, W, O, A, E, S, and E.)
Bowyer: Have a large controller you must. And two Es.
Gloomtail: What? Oh, whoops. Hold on.
(The buttons reorganize themselves to read A W E S O M E.)
Bowyer: Impressive even I must admit that is.
Gloomtail: Too many fanboys have I. I mean, many fanboys have I too. Err...
Wind Crystal: ...
Bowyer: ...
Dark Koopa: ...
Fiver: ...
Gloomtail: We will never speak of this again.
Kyoni: Hi.
Gloomtail: LEAVE!
Kyoni: But I want to be important too!
Gloomtail: No! Now, how were you able to shoot all the way to Rose Town from Forest Maze?
Bowyer: On a rather tall hill I was; allowed me to look down at Rose Town easily, it did. Just a bit difficult to tell in SMRPG is it, due to an overheard view.
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: Wind Crystal wants to know how you found the Star Piece.
Bowyer: Credit for that I cannot take. An Aero found it for me. Effective they can be if pay them a competitive wage you do.
Gloomtail: You pay your flunkies?
Bowyer: Promised us fame and fortune Smithy did, when recruiting us for his army. Sadly, arrive Mario did to lay waste to his plan and to my retirement fund.
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Good question, Wind Crystal. Bowyer, did you ever have dealings with Smithy's other soldiers?
Bowyer: I hung out with Mack and Yaridovich during the parade, but they were a bit too sharp for me.
(Ba Dum Pish.)
Gloomtail: Who did that?!
Kyoni: Me.
Gloomtail: Stop it!
(Kyoni, Aw, come on.)
Gloomtail: Get out!
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: Wind Crystal wishes to know why you have that... hair?
Bowyer: Distract my foes while I skewer them does it. Also, few talented barbers are there in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Kyoni: Oh, good point! I was just thinking the other day that I could use a little trim, but-
Gloomtail: Ahem. What about the future, Bowyer? Do you see yourself mounting another attack on the Mushroom Kingdom, with Smithy or otherwise?
Bowyer: With Smithy perhaps, but not designed to lead on my own am I.
Kyoni: -
(Gloomtail's eyes narrow.)
Kyoni: Aw...
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: Ah, that's right! Judging by your Psychopath thought, you can think normally, so why is it you talk in bizarro language?
Bowyer: Little sense "With these folks, what is?" makes. Some semblance of syntactic aptitude must I convey, lest taken seriously I not be.
Gloomtail: Yes, we wouldn't want anyone to not take you seriously. That would be catastrophic.
Bowyer: Mocking me I believe you are.
Kyoni: Hey, you said you live in the Forest Maze all the time, right? Does that catchy music ever get distracting?
Gloomtail: ...
Kyoni: What?
Gloomtail: Do you see "Kyoni" in the title of this submission?
Kyoni: Okay, fine.
Three seconds later...
Kyoni: So, hi guys.
Gloomtail: I AM MAD AND ANGRY!
Kyoni: I think they have medicine for that.
Gloomtail: GRAH!
Bowyer: Hear the music I do not. A shame, heard it's pretty good I have!
Lemmy: It's playing right now.
Bowyer: How do you know this?
Lemmy: Take a guess.
Kyoni: You haven't heard the Forest Maze music? I can fix that. Give me a minute.
(Kyoni runs off.)
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: I don't even want to know where he's going. But at least he's gone. Bowyer, how's your love life?
Bowyer: Seriously? Well, this girl back home there was-
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Agreed, that's enough information. Also, you know you're awesome when you can interrupt someone without talking!
Wind Crystal: Whoosh!
Gloomtail: How about Mario, Bowyer? Any lingering resentment there? He did whup you pretty badly.
Bowyer: I am not a fan of Mario, to say the least. Also, look who is talking.
Gloomtail: I beat Mario, not the other way around. How many times must I repeat this?
Bowyer: YouTube.
Gloomtail: I thought I destroyed YouTube. Last I checked, it was down for maintenance... FOREVER!
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Wind Crystal's right. Enough about me. How did you survive Mario's onslaught of jumps and hammer smacks... I think I just answered my own question.
Bowyer: Not so much Mario was it, as that ugly blue doll with the funny nose. Hurt, his finger bullets do.
Gloomtail: That thing on Geno's face is a nose? I thought it was his hair.
Bowyer: Look at the concept art, stupid dragon should.
Gloomtail: Don't make me show you what the W button does.
Wind Crystal: I don't like bow people.
Gloomtail: Wind Crystal says that he doesn't like bow peop- Wait a minute...
(Gloomtail glances at Wind Crystal.)
Wind Crystal: Whoosh.
Gloomtail: Did you get a haircut?
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: I like it! Business in the front, business in the back. It's a good look.
Bowyer: Perhaps interview Wind Crystal instead you should.
Gloomtail: You're still here? Well, at least we managed to get rid of-
Kyoni: Hey guys! I'm back with a SURPRISE!
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: MAD... AND... ANGRY!
Wind Crystal: ...
Gloomtail: Oh, fine, Kyoni, you can do your thing, but then I'm ending this.
Kyoni: Great! Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce to you... The Dark Koopa Big Band!
(No less than five dozen Koopas, Goombas, Buzzy Beetles, and Dry Boneses enter, each carrying an instrument.)
Gloomtail: That is not logistically feasible.
Kyoni: Don't say that in front of the Goombas! They try so hard...
Dark Koopa: I can't afford this.
Kyoni: That's okay. We'll put it on your tab.
Dark Koopa: ...
Kyoni: Hit it, boys!
(Kyoni produces a baton from nowhere and gives it a vigorous swing. Unfortunately, he swings a little too hard- his footing slips, and as he reaches down to the ground to stop himself, he pushes...)
Waluigi: Not the W button!
(Gloomtail explodes.)
Waluigi: Wah!
Wind Crystal: ...
Kyoni: Huh.
Bowyer: Expecting that, I was not.
Fiver: End transmission.
Dark Koopa: Who are you?
Fiver: Whoops. Thought it was 2001 still. Carry on.
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