Dark Koopa: The 123rd Interview shall be a Halloween special!
Lemmy: Kay…
Dark Koopa: Now, for something truly scary: Pura and Thumbs doing ballet.
Thumbs: I’m not doing that. And Pura’s not even back yet.
Dark Koopa: That’s fine. I made robots.
(Two robots start dancing onstage and then crash into each other and explode.)
Dark Koopa: … Scratch that. Let’s just bring the interviewee out.
(Gloomtail dances onto the stage and falls through the collapsing floor.)
Dark Koopa: … Well. Onto more important matters… My shell.
Thumbs: You stormed off from the Bitlands in rage when you found out Larry died. Then you poked him with a stick.
Dark Koopa: I was checking if he was dead. And I was enraged because he didn’t get my shell back.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: You’re supposed to be dead.
Larry: You know as well as everyone else that no one truly dies in an Interview.
Dark Koopa: Pfft.
Lemmy: When is this getting Halloweeny?
Thumbs: That’s definitely not a word.
Dark Koopa: I’ll turn on a horror movie with this Cable… I bought and definitely didn’t steal from Lemmy.
Lemmy: Yay!
(The lights dim and screams can be heard from the TV as it is turned on.)
Dark Koopa: Ah…
Thumbs: Weren’t we supposed to be doing an Interview?
Dark Koopa: Oh, that reminds me. I still have that Lakitu hired to replace you.
Thumbs: Say what?
Dark Koopa: Yeah, he kept falling asleep on the job and requested to be cameraman.
Thumbs: That fiend!
Dark Koopa: Yeah, he’s on camera 3 now.
Stupid Cameraman: I liked being called Lakitu more…
Dark Koopa: You’re stupid. Accept it.
Thumbs: Die, fiend!
Stupid Cameraman: Eep!
(Thumbs chases the Lakitu out of the studio.)
Dark Koopa: I hear someone coming. Could it be?!
(Pura crashes through the ceiling and falls into the hole Gloomtail made.)
Dark Koopa: It is!
Lemmy: I swear we have to fix that ceiling every Interview.
(Gloomtail climbs out of the hole.)
Dark Koopa: Hi.
Gloomtail: WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY MORTALS WILL GET TO INTERVIEW THE ONE AND ONLY GOD?!
Dark Koopa: Some ego.
(Everyone points at Dark Koopa.)
Dark Koopa: What am I, the writer or something?
Audience: Yes.
Dark Koopa: Can’t prove it.
Gloomtail: Why are you complaining? You should be honored! Until your death, that is. AHAHAHAHAH-
(A stagelight falls and hits Gloomtail in the head.)
Gloomtail: …a.
Dark Koopa: My first question would be… why did you dance out here?
Gloomtail: I’m happy!
Dark Koopa: Happy? So many problems with that theory.
Gloomtail: Oh?
Dark Koopa: First, your name. It’s Gloomtail.
Gloomtail: So?
Dark Koopa: Doesn’t that suggest you’re gloomy?
Gloomtail: It’s just a name. You might name your dog Lucky, but that doesn’t make him have good luck. I mean, Hooktail isn’t a hook, is she? And Bonetail isn’t bon- Okay, so sometimes the name fits, but in my case, it doesn’t.
Dark Koopa: Fair enough. Secondly, if you’re so happy, why are you threatening to kill me and such?
Gloomtail: I’ll kill you!
Dark Koopa: Yeah, like now.
Gloomtail: I have an image to protect. Being a feared god isn’t easy.
Dark Koopa: Well, fine. I guess being happy is a valid reason to dance. Why are you so happy?
Gloomtail: I escaped the Palace of Shadows. No more loneliness and hunger.
Dark Koopa: And how’d you do that?
Gloomtail: I’m not sharing my secrets with an idiot.
Dark Koopa: Ouch. Well, I hope another stagelight falls on you!
Gloomtail: Like that’d happen a second time. HAHAH-
(Another stagelight falls on Gloomtail.)
Gloomtail: …a. This moment never happened.
Dark Koopa: I love being me.
Gloomtail: I’ll kill you!
Dark Koopa: Yes yes.
(Pura climbs out of the hole, carrying a purple shell.)
Pura: Where am I? I hope it’s better than that place with the cannons.
Dark Koopa: My shell! Gimme!
Pura: This isn’t yours. Why’s it so dark?
King Boo: Boo!
Pura: Go away.
King Boo: Aww…
Dark Koopa: Close enough. Now gimme!
Pura: Okay. Fetch!
(Pura tosses the shell in the hole and Dark Koopa goes after it.)
Dark Koopa: Stupid hole. We should have an intermission while Lemmy pays somebody to fix it.
Lemmy: Yeah! Hey, wait…
Pura: Meanwhile, Gloomtail, wanna tell us about your first hunt after escaping the Palace of Shadows?
Gloomtail: Sure, why not? I was singing while chasing some weird-looking guy in blue.
Gloomtail: Dah dah dah dah dah dah!
Waluigi: Wah wah! Wah wah!
Gloomtail: Then we broke out in song and dance before I ate him. It was strange.
Pura: Exciting. I wonder how he escaped, since he’s definitely not dead.
Gloomtail: I spat him back out. He tasted nasty.
Swooper: Right, I’m here. Halloween just isn’t Halloween without me, the scariest person ever.
King Boo: Boo!
Swooper: Eep!
King Boo: Ha!
Swooper: … Hug!
(King Boo screams and exits the studio.)
Swooper: Aww…
Pura: Nobody wants to hug you. Get over it, please.
Swooper: (demonic voice) You’re going to die slowly and painfully.
Pura: What was that?
Swooper: (normal voice) Oh, nothing.
Dark Koopa: END INTERMISSION!
(The screen goes black.)
Dark Koopa: I SAID “END INTERMISSION”, NOT “END TRANSMISSION”, FOOL!
(The screen goes blacker.)
Dark Koopa: …
Gloomtail: I’M GOD!
The next day…
Dark Koopa: Right, let’s finish that thing from yesterday. Let’s see, Gloomtail’s here…
Gloomtail: QUAKE IN FEAR, MORTALS!
Dark Koopa: Do they have to?
Gloomtail: Yes. Yes they do.
(Everyone quakes in fear.)
Dark Koopa: Pura’s here.
Pura: I wish I wasn’t.
Dark Koopa: Thumbs is late… like a jerk. Lemmy and Larry are here, sadly.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: No.
Larry: But-
Dark Koopa: No! The audience is here…
Audience: Boo…
Waluigi: Wah!
Dark Koopa: And lastly, the idiot who replaced Pura earlier is here.
Yoshi: Hi.
Dark Koopa: … Well?
Pura: Well what?
Dark Koopa: Aren’t you gonna chase him out?
Pura: No.
Dark Koopa: Why not?
Pura: I don’t care if I’m replaced.
Dark Koopa: Wanna fight about it?
Pura: Sure.
Dark Koopa: Nope. Need to ask this scary dragon questions. Gloomtail, how did you get stuck in the Palace of Shadows?
Gloomtail: They boarded the room I was in up while I was asleep.
Dark Koopa: You must be a pretty heavy sleeper.
Gloomtail: I am. And dragons can sleep for months at a time.
Dark Koopa: How long were you stuck in there?
Gloomtail: I lost count. It was at least 700 years though.
Dark Koopa: And how did you not starve to death?
Gloomtail: I don’t need to eat. I’m a GOD! I just enjoy eating.
(Gloomtail’s cell phone rings.)
Gloomtail: Just a second. Heeeello?
Dark Koopa: Everyone has a cell phone these days…
Mr. L: The Green Thunder wishes to know if your refrigerator is running.
Gloomtail: I don’t have one. I eat my food RAW.
Mr. L: Um…
(Mr. L hangs up.)
Gloomtail: Huh. Must have been the wrong number.
Dark Koopa: Yeah, so, where do you hang out now?
Gloomtail: Hooktail’s Castle. Poor Hooky. I have no idea what happened to her.
Dark Koopa: Didn’t Mario kill her or something? That is why you attacked him, isn’t it?
Gloomtail: I highly doubt a chubby guy with a hammer could kill the sister of a GOD. She’s probably on vacation. But yes, he suggesting he harmed my sister made me attack him.
Dark Koopa: How’d it feel to lose to Mario?
Gloomtail: Excuse me? I’m sorry, but I did not lose to that… disgusting man.
Dark Koopa: But didn’t you say you were gonna eat him?
Gloomtail: Yep.
Dark Koopa: Then why is he alive?
Gloomtail: He isn’t.
Dark Koopa: He’s in the audience.
Mario: Hi.
Gloomtail: … YOU!
Mario: Me!
Gloomtail: Well, he ran in fear before I could eat him.
Dark Koopa: I’m pretty sure he beat you.
Gloomtail: You can’t prove that.
Dark Koopa: I bet I could find a video of it on YouTube.
Gloomtail: …
Dark Koopa: Good old YouTube. It exposes everyone’s darkest secrets.
(Thumbs enters the studio.)
Thumbs: Hey everyone. Sorry I’m late. I had to- Gah!
Dark Koopa: Die!
(Dark Koopa can be seen assaulting Thumbs with a lamp.)
Thumbs: Ow! What’re you doing?!
Dark Koopa: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were a ghoul.
Thumbs: I was just using the bathroom…
Dark Koopa: Ghouls do that… when they’re making brownies.
Pura: Original?
Dark Koopa: No?
Pura: Shut up?
Dark Koopa: Make me?
Thumbs: Question mark?
Dark Koopa: Anyway, how are you able to do your Megabreath attack?
Gloomtail: I’m a poison dragon, obviously.
Dark Koopa: Well, how do you charge it up?
Gloomtail: I just take extra time to exhale stronger poisonous fumes.
(Gloomtail’s cell phone rings again.)
Gloomtail: Hello?
Mr. L: The Green Thunder wishes to know if your dishwasher is running.
Gloomtail: Don’t have one. I do not use dishes to eat, as I eat my food whole and RAW.
Mr. L: Um… You’re ugly!
(Mr. L hangs up.)
Gloomtail: Ooh, he’s gonna get it.
(Gloomtail calls Mr. L back.)
Mr. L: Hello, Green Thunder speaking.
Gloomtail: I WILL DESTROYYYYYY YOU!
Mr. L: What kind of prank call is that?
Gloomtail: Stop calling here.
(Gloomtail hangs up.)
Dark Koopa: Now, back to the Interview maybe?
Count Blacula: RANDOM DISTRACTION!
Dark Koopa: I guess not.
Swooper: If I don’t get some huggin’, I’m gonna start chuggin’.
Dark Koopa: …
Swooper: What?
Dark Koopa: Just go away.
Swooper: Fine. But someone’s gonna die.
Gloomtail: I agree!
(Screams can be heard from the audience.)
Lemmy: Finally!
Dark Koopa: Yeah, ignoring that. Now, I’m gonna regret asking this, but what do you like to eat?
Gloomtail: Toads and Yoshis… and people who wear red.
Dark Koopa: Oh. Well… Okay then.
Thumbs: Hey Pura, want to put this red Toad cap on?
Pura: …
Dark Koopa: You probably would have got to eat something red if Mario didn’t beat you up.
Gloomtail: I told you. That never happened.
Dark Koopa: YouTube.
Gloomtail: That’s it. I’m destroying YouTube. Where is this… YouTube?
Dark Koopa: Toad’s looking at it from his laptop.
(Gloomtail destroys Toad’s laptop and eats Toad.)
Toad: WHY?!
Dark Koopa: You remember your role in Mario Party 4?
Toad: Yes.
Dark Koopa: That’s why.
Toad: …
(The doorbell rings.)
Dark Koopa: Ooh, trick-or-treaters!
Pura: Is he aware that it’s February?
Thumbs: I didn’t have the heart to tell him…
(Dark Koopa answers the door.)
Annoying Congressman: Vote for me!
Dark Koopa: Nice costume. It almost seems like you’re actually some annoying congressman.
Annoying Congressman: Vote for me!
Dark Koopa: Yeah yeah, take your candy and get out.
(Dark Koopa throws some M&Ms at the annoying congressman and slams the door.)
Dark Koopa: So Gloomtail, you’re apparently the pet of the Shadow Queen alongside Hooktail and Bonetail.
Gloomtail: Nahhhhh.
Dark Koopa: But this pamphlet says you are.
Gloomtail: Oh sure, she created us, but that doesn’t make us pets.
Dark Koopa: I’m having the feeling you really are a pet, but just don’t want to admit it.
Gloomtail: I AM GOD! I AM NOBODY’S PET!
Dark Koopa: Yep, I’m right.
Gloomtail: Who cares what I was called? Even if I was called a pet, I certainly didn’t act like one. Besides, the Shadow Queen’s dead, so I’m free to do whatever I want! Such as tap-dancing or burning wrestling fans.
Dark Koopa: Please don’t do either. Um, you stated that you were curious about why Hooktail stopped writing to you. How do dragons write?
Gloomtail: Pens. Very large pens.
Dark Koopa: You have thumbs?
Gloomtail: Not quite, but close enough!
Dark Koopa: Fair enough. How did you receive the letters?
Gloomtail: Hooktail slid them under the Thousand-Year Door and then a Dry Bones inside delivered. And that Dry Bones LIKED it! Because he was serving GOD!
Dark Koopa: What’s with the ego anyway?
Gloomtail: I told you, I have an image to protect.
Dark Koopa: The letter thing sounds ridiculous anyway. I had difficulty believing it when I saw you say it before Mario beat you.
Gloomtail: That never happened!
Dark Koopa: Whatever you say.
Gloomtail: Don’t make me hurt you.
Dark Koopa: Hate. Fine. Why’d you eat the Star Key?
Gloomtail: The Shadow Queen disguised it as some food, because I wasn’t gonna eat it on my own.
Dark Koopa: Okay, so if Mario didn’t beat you to get the Star key… How’d he get it?
Gloomtail: I, um, spit it at him as he was running away.
Dark Koopa: Your story’s falling apart.
Gloomtail: Look, do you seriously believe an overweight plumber with a hammer beat a fifty-foot dragon god?
Dark Koopa: Yes.
Gloomtail: … I give up.
Dark Koopa: Ha. Well, I’m out of questions.
Gloomtail: Goodie. I guess someone’s gonna die then.
King Boo: Boo!
Waluigi: Wah!
Dark Koopa: Someone needs to learn when to quit.
King Boo: Hey, I’m still scaring one person!
Dark Koopa: Anybody can do that. Watch. Boo!
Waluigi: Wah!
Dark Koopa: See?
King Boo: Oh please. Bet you can’t do it again.
Thumbs: Hey Pura… Before Gloomtail leaves, let’s put a ballerina outfit on him.
Pura: That’s suicidal… but oh so tempting. You do it alone.
Thumbs: Go team!
Gloomtail: Now, who shall I kil- What’re you doing?
Thumbs: Putting this outfit on you.
Gloomtail: … I should be resisting this, but I’m paralyzed with rage.
Dark Koopa: Boo!
Waluigi: Wah!
King Boo: … Well, nothing happens a third time.
Gloomtail: Right, done being enraged. Time to kill this Lakitu. AHAHAHAH-
(A third stagelight falls on Gloomtail.)
Gloomtail: …a. This moment never happened.
King Boo: …
Waluigi: Wah!
Dark Koopa: I think it’s safe to end this now.
Gloomtail: No it isn’t.
(Gloomtail falls through the floor again.)
Gloomtail: I’m okay!
Dark Koopa: End transmission.
(Nothing happens.)
Yoshi: … Now?
Dark Koopa: Yes. Now.
(The camera explodes.)
Dark Koopa: …
Yoshi: Ow.
Gloomtail: QUAKE IN FEAR, MORTALS!
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