Dark Koopa: On the road again, going plac-
Lemmy: No country music.
Dark Koopa: You know, I wanted to conduct this Interview at the Bitlands so you wouldn’t follow me. That, and interviewees try to avoid coming to the studio now.
Lemmy: Too bad.
(Larry raises his hand, the audience being located on a set of bleachers.)
Dark Koopa: I was also hoping you wouldn’t be here, so I basically came here for nothing.
Larry: Are Thumbs and Pura back yet?
Dark Koopa: I told you. They died.
Larry: No they didn’t. I saw them yesterday.
Dark Koopa: Just shut up. I’ve replaced them with two… more competent people.
(The Yoshi and Lakitu can be seen sleeping again.)
Dark Koopa: Now-
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: I was really hoping this was a one-time gag.
Larry: Looks to me they’re just as incompetent.
Dark Koopa: But they don’t annoy me as much. Now, let’s kidnap an interviewee.
(A couple Hammer Brothers approach with a bag, pouring out a Koopa Striker.)
Dark Koopa: Um, you don’t work for me, but thanks?
Koopa Striker: What is this supposed to be?
Dark Koopa: An Interview.
Striker: Why’d you kidnap me? I would have done it on my own.
Dark Koopa: If we move back to the studio, will you do the Interview then?
Striker: No.
Dark Koopa: Fine, let’s stay here then.
Striker: Nah, I don’t want to now.
Dark Koopa: … Guess you’re going back in the bag.
Striker: I thought they didn’t work for you.
Dark Koopa: They don’t, but they’ll probably do it on their own anyway.
Hammer Brother: Yup.
Striker: All right, fine.
Dark Koopa: Now, why are your shells soccer ball-colored?
Striker: So you can tell a Striker apart from other Koopas, of course.
Dark Koopa: The jersey isn’t a dead give away?
Striker: Most Strikers wear jerseys because they want to, not because they have to.
Dark Koopa: Well, I doubt all Strikers want their shell painted that color.
Striker: Most don’t mind, but those that do mind can either get their shell painted or not be a Striker.
Dark Koopa: Where you get all the shells from?
Striker: Koopas lose their shells all the time, and sometimes they don’t want the shell back, so we paint them and use them as ammo. Or we could just steal shells from traitor Koopas.
(The Lakitu wakes up.)
Lakitu: Can I be cameraman?
Dark Koopa: Wow, you’re annoying. No.
(The Yoshi wakes up.)
Yoshi: Can I have grapes?
Dark Koopa: How one-dimensional can you be?
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: I had to ask.
Larry: I thought you said these two didn’t annoy you.
Dark Koopa: As much.
Larry: Oh.
Dark Koopa: Bowser seemed to give you some sort of authority in 3-1 of Super Paper Mario. Why’s that?
Striker: Well, at the time, since there were no Koopatrols around due to Count Bleck kidnapping all of them, we were the next strongest minion. Also, he likes our eyebrows. They remind Bowser of himself.
Dark Koopa: Those things look pretty… creepy.
Striker: YOU DO NOT MAKE FUN OF A KOOPA’S EYEBROWS!
Dark Koopa: You do when they’re bigger than your forehead.
Striker: …
Dark Koopa: Hm, we haven’t had audience questions in a while.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: And that trend will continue.
Larry: Aww…
Dark Koopa: Nameless Lakitu.
Lakitu: You mean me?
Dark Koopa: Are you a nameless Lakitu?
Lakitu: What counts as nameless?
Dark Koopa: Not having a name in the script.
Lakitu: Okay, because I have an actual name.
Dark Koopa: Well, I don’t want to hear it or you’ll become an actual… character. Gross.
Lakitu: My name is-
Dark Koopa: I want you to find something to hurt Larry with.
(The Lakitu hands Dark Koopa a needle.)
Lakitu: This will hurt him.
(Dark Koopa throws the needle at Larry and misses horribly.)
Dark Koopa: Didn’t work. Find me some-
(The Lakitu falls back asleep.)
Dark Koopa: …thing else. Whatever. Now, Koopa Striker whom also has no name-
Striker: I have a name.
Dark Koopa: Don’t start. Anyhow, there seems to be lots of variants of you. Is there any real difference?
Striker: I don’t see the need for the different names. There’s really no difference between us besides some kick harder than others and therefore do more damage.
Dark Koopa: Were you those guys in Super Mario World that kicked shells?
Striker: Sort of. Koopa Striker wasn’t really an occupation at the time. Some Koopas, especially blue ones, just liked to kick shells. Bowser did get the job idea from Super Mario World, though.
Dark Koopa: He didn’t get the job idea from Super Mario Strikers?
Striker: He got the name idea from there.
Dark Koopa: Oh.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Dark Koopa: Security!
Yoshi: Is that me?
Dark Koopa: Yes. Go throw Larry out.
Yoshi: Does he hav-
Dark Koopa: Yes, he has grapes.
Yoshi: Okay.
(The Yoshi just picks up Larry and puts him down.)
Larry: Um, thanks?
Dark Koopa: You were supposed to throw him out.
Yoshi: He is out.
Larry: The Interview is taking place outside.
Dark Koopa: … Why must everything backfire?
Yoshi: Oh, and you lied about the grapes.
Dark Koopa: Sorry, I meant Toad.
(The Yoshi attacks Toad.)
Toad: Why am I constantly a victim?!
Dark Koopa: Speaking of backfire, why were some Strikers, in particular the ones in the Pit of 100 Trails, kicking shells into the wall and hitting themselves and their allies?
Striker: Some Strikers aren’t too bright...
Dark Koopa: Knew that as soon as I saw you.
Striker: … Bowser or Bleck said their only order was to kick shells in Mario’s direction, and so they did.
Dark Koopa: So where did those Strikers on far left of the fortress in 3-1 come from?
Striker: We were hiding behind some bushes.
Dark Koopa: … A popular strategy among villains these days.
Striker: Well, we wanted to hide and we knew we couldn’t flip because Mario could flip as well and see us coming.
Dark Koopa: You’re slightly less stupid then.
Striker: Thanks, I guess.
Dark Koopa: But still stupid.
Striker: …
(The Koopa Striker kicks Dark Koopa’s shell into the Tile Pool.)
Dark Koopa: … What’s with interviewees retaliating for my cruelness to them?!
Striker: Nice underwear.
Dark Koopa: I’ll give you underwear. When you’re dead, you’ll see plenty of Underwhere!
(Larry raises his hand.)
Larry: That was a really bad pun.
Dark Koopa: Shut up.
(The Koopa Striker runs off.)
Dark Koopa: I should find this embarrassing, but this happens to Koopas all the time. Anyway, for now I shall wear one of these shells he left behind. Too bad they’re really ugly soccer shells.
(Larry raises his hand.)
Larry: Stop announcing everything you do.
Dark Koopa: Stop existing.
(Dark Koopa puts on a Striker shell. Larry raises his hand.)
Larry: Are Thumbs and Pura coming back now?
Dark Koopa: Why do you keep asking?
Larry: When one of you three leaves forever, you’re always back in one or two Interviews.
Dark Koopa: Not this time.
Larry: Why not?
Dark Koopa: They’re dead.
(Thumbs and Pura can be seen walking by in the background.)
Larry: Are not.
Dark Koopa: Prove it.
(Larry points at Thumbs and Pura.)
Dark Koopa: Mannequins.
Larry: …
Dark Koopa: You do know when they actually do come back, I’ll have no more use for you, right?
Larry: So?
Dark Koopa: You won’t have anymore lines.
Larry: … Nooooooo!
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