Dark Koopa: So we need a good opening line.
Thumbs: That was the opening line right there.
Dark Koopa: It’s bad. Oh well. Should we get right to the Interview or have something wacky and possibly humorous happen?
Thumbs: We should just have a cut scenewith reccurring official characters.
Dark Koopa: Like?
()
Swooper: Hug!
Mr. L: Nobody gets to hug the Green Thunder.
Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!
Swooper: Hug!
Lemmy: Ew, no.
()
Dark Koopa: Works for me.
Thumbs: Did we confirm Pura was back yet?
Dark Koopa: Does it really matter?
Thumbs: I guess not, but now that Pura’s mentioned, there will probably be another cutscene.
()
Pura: Phony!
The Fake Millennium Star: Leave already!
()
Thumbs: Sometimes I hate being right.
(A mist begins to fill the studio.)
Fracktail: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, BEFORE THE DAWN OF-
Dark Koopa: No stories!
(The mist disappears.)
Dark Koopa: That’s better. So Fracktail, you’re a robot, yes?
Fracktail: THAT I AM. THOUSANDS OF YEAR-
Dark Koopa: A simple yes will do. Now, when were you built?
(The mist returns.)
Fracktail: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, BEFORE THE DAWN OF-
Dark Koopa: Thousands of years ago. I get it.
(The mist disappears again.)
Fracktail: ABOUT 1,500 YEARS, ACTUALLY.
Dark Koopa: Great, are you gonna talk in caps the entire Interview?
Fracktail: YES.
Dark Koopa: Lame. So what were you programmed to do?
Fracktail: TO DEFEND THE PURE HEART FROM THIEVES OR FAKE HEROES.
Dark Koopa: So you attack Mario? Not that I’m complaining, but… he was
(technically the hero.)
Fracktail: I THINK IT WAS OBVIOUS DIMENTIO HAXXED MY CIRCUITS.
Dark Koopa: Yes… “Haxxed”… So I’m guessing you’re not evil then?
Fracktail: NOT UNLESS I’M PROGRAMMED TO BE EVIL.
(More mist.)
Fracktail: LIKE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO BEF-
Dark Koopa: Getting really sick of that mist.
(Less mist.)
Thumbs: The narrator is getting really lazy when referring to the mist.
Dark Koopa: So, why’s that antenna thing your weakness?
(Mist.)
Thumbs: See?
Dark Koopa: Before you even start, just answer the question without that
(“Thousands of years ago” junk.)
Fracktail: THOUSAND OF YEARS AGO, BEFORE THE DA-
Dark Koopa: … I hate this job.
(Bye mist.)
Fracktail: IT’S WHERE MY PRIMARY CIRCUITS ARE.
Dark Koopa: Then why didn’t they protect it better? In fact, who built you?
Fracktail: THE ANCIENTS, AND IT WAS THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.
Dark Koopa: What, no mist?
(Mist appears.)
Dark Koopa: *grumble* And as for why they didn’t protect your weak point better?
Fracktail: I IMAGINE THEY LEFT THE WEAKPOINT IN CASE SOMEONE INTERFERED WITH MY PROGRAMMING.
Dark Koopa: I hate surprisingly smart people.
Fracktail: IF IT WASN’T FOR THEM, YOU’D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.
Dark Koopa: Big deal. I’ve already died in these Interviews like eight times. Also, why’s the mist still here?
Fracktail: THOUSANDS OF Y-
Dark Koopa: No!
(Mist disappears.)
Fracktail: WHAT?
Dark Koopa: You should know what.
Thumbs: Can’t you let him finish? I wanna hear the story.
Dark Koopa: No, no, and more no. So uh, why’d the Ancients put those Frackle things on you?
Fracktail: TO PROTECT MY BODY FROM PEOPLE WHO JUMP ON ME.
Dark Koopa: Well, they ended up being your downfall.
Fracktail: I DIDN’T EXPECT PEOPLE TO THROW THEM AT MY ANTENNA. I MEAN, THAT BEING THE WEAKSPOT ISN’T OBVIOUS AT FIRST.
Dark Koopa: That reminds me. I thought you died… or something. Even though robots can’t really die.
Fracktail: I WAS REBUILT BY SOME ROBOTICS TEAM.
Dark Koopa: Right. Any intentions of getting payback on Mario?
Fracktail: I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO ATTACK THE HERO, EVEN IF HE RAISED THE THREAT LEVEL TO JELLY ROLL 1.
(Dark Koopa takes out a box of donuts and eats a jelly roll.)
Fracktail: THREAT LEVEL HAS INCREASED TO JELLY ROLL 2.
Dark Koopa: … Stop making me hungry.
Fracktail: YOU WILL BE GIVING ME THOSE JELLY ROLLS IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU.
Dark Koopa: I don’t know what’s good for me.
Fracktail: THEN PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED.
Dark Koopa: Thousands of years ago.
(The mist appears yet again.)
Fracktail: BEFORE THE DAWN OF-
(Pura enters the studio.)
Pura: Wow, is somebody smoking or something?
Dark Koopa: You’re late. This dragon thing is gonna try to kill me.
Pura: I don’t know how he even fits in here. Does he have a catchphrase?
Dark Koopa: Yes. A very annoying one.
Pura: Then you’re safe. Catchphrasing idiots always support each othe-
Dark Koopa: BALLOONS! I’m sorry, did you say something?
Pura: Nevermind.
Fracktail: AND LITTLE TIMMY WAS VERY SAD.
Thumbs: What a great story.
Dark Koopa: Okay… Um… Balloons… Haven’t said that in a while, actually…
Fracktail: IF I WANTED PAYBACK ON ANYONE, IT’D BE DIMENTIO FOR BEING A HAXXOR.
Dark Koopa: Too bad he died.
Dimentio: Oh, have I?
Dark Koopa: Ew, there’s a clown in the studio again.
Dimentio: For the last time, I am a magician, not a clown.
Dark Koopa: So Fracktail, do you hate clowns?
Fracktail: I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO HATE CLOWNS.
Dimentio: …
Dark Koopa: Hm, the script says he’s Dimentio or something.
Fracktail: DIMENTIO MUST BE DESTROYED.
Dark Koopa: He’s already dead.
Dimentio: I’m not dead, I’m right here.
Dark Koopa: Apparently he’s about to be dead then.
Dimentio: Highly unlikely.
Dark Koopa: I’m almost out of queeeeeestions.
Dimentio: Cookie for you.
Dark Koopa: Yes, please.
Dimentio: No.
Dark Koopa: That’s it. You’re going down.
Fracktail: PLEASE ASK THE REMAINDER OF YOUR QUESTIONS BEFORE I TELL ANOTHER STORY.
Dark Koopa: No!
Thumbs: Yes!
Dark Koopa: Shut up, Thumbs.
Thumbs: No!
Dark Koopa: Yes! So Fracktail, why are you called Fracktail?
Fracktail: MY DESIGN IS BASED OFF THAT OF HOOKTAIL.
Dark Koopa: Shouldn’t you be female then?
Fracktail: THE ANCIENTS WERE NOT AWARE HOOKTAIL WAS FEMALE AT THE TIME.
Dark Koopa: Hahaha. Why do you have those Yold Ruins? You build them?
Fracktail: THOSE WERE THE RUINS THE ANCIENTS BUILT ME IN.
Dark Koopa: And those signs directed to Mario?
Fracktail: ONCE AGAIN, THE ANCIENTS. I AM UNABLE TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT SMALL.
Dark Koopa: Well, I’m out of questions. Go kill the clown.
Dimentio: I shall show you that I am not afraid. Ciao!
(Dimentio exits the studio, screaming like a girl.)
Fracktail: I DIDN’T CHASE YET.
Dark Koopa: Well, go already. Your catchphrase is lame.
Fracktail: YOU ACT LIKE YOURS IS BETTER.
(Fracktail exits the studio.)
Dark Koopa: What a cheap shot.
Pura: He’s right, you know.
Dark Koopa: Silence. Time to complain about what they did to Dark Koopas. We used to have an identity. Now they’re generic and pathetic. I miss the
(good old Paper Mario days. Dizzy attack for the win.)
Pura: Haha, you’re generic and pathetic.
Dark Koopa: Don’t make me order Thumbs to drop a piano on you.
Pura: You’re nothing but running gags, aren’t you? At least nobody currently in the studio has some stupid catchphrase they still use.
Thumbs: HUZZAH!
Buzzar: BUZZAH!
Bullet Bill: Aluminum!
Mario: PLUNGER!
Rawk Hawk: RAWWWWWWWWWK!
Watchitt: Watch it!
Yellow: Wooey!
Bowser: WAZZUP!
Swooper: Hug!
Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!
Waluigi: Wah!
Boo That Was Once Mr. L’s Recorder: THE MAN IN GREEN! THE MAN IN GREEN!
Dark Koopa: BALLOONS!
Count Blacula: RANDOM DISTRACTION!
(Fracktail reenters the studio. The mist also returns.)
Fracktail: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, BEFORE THE DAWN OF-
(Insert about a minute of silence.)
Pura: … I’m going to the snack bar.
(Pura exits the studio.)
Dark Koopa: What kind of catchphrase is that?
Thumbs: We haven’t seen half of those in like forever.
Dark Koopa: There’s a good reason for that.
Mr. L: Hm, the Green Thunder needs a catchphrase. Oh, wait, I got one.
(END TRANSMISSION!)
Dark Koopa: Wow, original.
Mr. L: Why thank you.
(Thumbs drops a piano on Mr. L.)
Thumbs: … What? He had it coming.
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