Mr. L: I’m not phony. I’m the real Green Thunder!
Pura: Phony phony pho-
(Pura’s cell phone rings.)
Pura: Hold on. Hello?
Dark Koopa: Come get me.
Pura: No.
(Pura hangs up.)
Pura: Sorry about that. Now… Phony!
Mr. L: You are very irritable.
Thumbs: Looks like we need another interviewer, and I’m not doing it.
Pura: Me neither. I gotta go do something. The phony can do it.
Mr. L: Not responding to that.
Pura: You just did.
(Silence.)
Pura: Fine, Mr. L can be the interviewer.
Mr. L: That’s better.
Thumbs: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Pura: Why not?
Thumbs: Well, I had a bit of a thing with Luigi and pianos a while back.
Pura: He’s not Luigi, he’s “Mr. L”.
Mr. L: I see those quotation marks.
Thumbs: Yeah, well, what if he realizes he’s actually Luigi?
Mr. L: I’m not this Luigi person.
Pura: It’s not likely. And if he does, it’ll be funny.
(Pura exits.)
Thumbs: Darn it.
Mr. L: Wasn’t an Interview just completed here?
Thumbs: Yeah, but the author is lame.
(Thumbs dodges a dropping piano.)
Mr. L: Okay, let’s get to it.
Ruff Puff: I’m here.
Mr. L: Sadly.
Ruff Puff: Since when are you mean?
Mr. L: I’m a villain. I am required to be mean.
Thumbs: You hardly qualify as a villain.
(Thumbs dodges another piano.)
Mr. L: First question… What is the difference between you and Tuff Puffs?
Ruff Puff: Tuffs come from Huff N’ Puff, and we come from clouds. We’re also stronger.
Mr. L: How were you created?
Ruff Puff: Well, when Huff N’ Puff took over Flower Fields, he needed some fitting minions. Sure, there were Lakitus, but that wasn’t enough. So he requested Bowser to send some Magikoopas over. Many of the Magikoopas didn’t like Huff N’ Puff, so they worked on creating some new minion to take their place. It wasn’t long before they began creating cloud monsters, which were of course us.
Mr. L: You monster!
Ruff Puff: I just said that.
Mr. L: I assume you hang out in cloud-like places, mostly. Why were there Ruff Puffs at Riverside Station?
Ruff Puff: Well, shortly after Huff N’ Puff was defeated, Magikoopas wanted Ruff Puffs to have some similar attacks to him, so they gave us a lightning attack, but we needed electricity to use said attack. The Station had plenty of electricity flowing through it, plus it was abandoned, so nobody really bothered us.
Mr. L: I see. Hm, what about the other kinds of Puffs?
Ruff Puff: It’s mostly based on weather conditions. Since Fahr Outpost was so cold, almost all Puffs made there were Ice Puffs. Boggly Woods had a lot of mist, so produced from there were mostly Dark Puffs. As for Poison Puffs, the air near the bottom of the Pit of 100 Trails is so rancid and filled with death, it’s practically poisonous.
Mr. L: Let’s cut to a commercial!
Thumbs: We don’t have commercials.
Mr. L: We’ll see about that!
Announcer: Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead!
Mr. L: Awesome.
Thumbs: Okay… We really need Pura and Dark back. Where are they anyway?
***
(Knock knock.)
The Fake Millennium Star: Yes?
Pura: You’re a phony! A big fat phony!
The Fake Millennium Star: Don’t you have something better to do?
Pura: Nope.
***
Dark Koopa: Stupid Pura. Now I gotta do through this stupid Mario Party board. Gross.
Klepto: I helped you down the tower. Are we friends now?
Dark Koopa: I’m not friends with losers.
Klepto: Oh come on. I hear you have no friends anyway.
Dark Koopa: You can shut up and go away now.
(Dark Koopa attempts to jump over a cactus, and lands on it.)
Dark Koopa: Pain…
***
Mr. L: And we’re back.
Thumbs: We never left.
(Mr. L drops a blow-up piano on Thumbs.)
Thumbs: Ow?
Mr. L: Do Magikoopas still make Ruff Puffs? There seems to be a lot of them these days.
Ruff Puff: Not really. I mean, they still do, but it’s not nearly as many now.
Mr. L: Then how are you so plentiful?
Ruff Puff: We don’t really die. We’re clouds. You can’t kill a cloud.
Mr. L: Then what happens when someone defeats you?
Ruff Puff: We break up into a bunch of pieces and reform again later. It’s kind of like evaporation, except not really.
Mr. L: So what do you do all day?
Ruff Puff: Just float around… trying to collect electricity.
Mr. L: That sounds very boring. You’re a terrible villain.
Thumbs: Look who’s talking.
(Mr. L buries Thumbs in blow-up pianos.)
Mr. L: Why is it you attack that dastardly Mario and his friends, and not anything else?
Ruff Puff: Magikoopas command it when they make us. Sometimes we get bored and attack others, though.
Mr. L: One final question: Can I use your electricity to power Brobot?
Ruff Puff: What’s a Brobot?
Mr. L: My brother.
Ruff Puff: Why’s he named Brobot?
Mr. L: He’s a robot.
Ruff Puff: O…kay.
Mr. L: What?
Ruff Puff: You kind of remind me of someone.
Mr. L: Who?
Ruff Puff: Some guy named Luigi.
Mr. L: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Ruff Puff: Yep.
Mr. L: I am not this Luigi person. Perhaps he’s my evil twin, but I do not know him.
Waluigi: Scary!
Ruff Puff: I should be attacking you.
Mr. L: Nah. Let’s get to audience questions instead.
Thumbs: The audience left because you’re boring as dirt. Except for Waluigi.
Waluigi: Wah!
(Mr. L drops more blow-up pianos on Thumbs.)
Mr. L: Fine, I’ll continue this myself.
Ruff Puff: I thought you were out of questions.
Mr. L: Nope.
Ruff Puff: Then ask a question.
Mr. L: Okay, I will.
Five minutes later...
Mr. L: Okay, I don’t got one.
Ruff Puff: Told ya.
Mr. L: Silence!
(Mr. L sucks up Ruff Puff with the Poltergust 3000.)
Mr. L: Now I shall takeover-
Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!
Mr. L: -and rule it with an iron fist! Mwahahaha!
(Dark Koopa enters the studio.)
Mr. L: Eep!
(Mr. L runs out of the studio.)
Dark Koopa: Who was that?
Ruff Puff: Help me!
Dark Koopa: Nope, I’m just gonna ask you questions for money.
Ruff Puff: …
Dark Koopa: Why are you inferior to Dark Koopas?
Ruff Puff: …
Dark Koopa: Useless. Oh, Thumbs…
(Thumbs flies out of the pile of blow-up pianos.)
Thumbs: Yes?
Dark Koopa: Why was there havoc when I was absent?
Thumbs: Pura replaced you with Mr. L.
Dark Koopa: … I’m ruined!
Thumbs: Um, I don’t think you had much to lose…
Dark Koopa: Good point. So Ruff Puff, ever considered fighting in a thunderstorm? Bet you don’t gotta charge your attack during one.
Ruff Puff: I’ve tried it. We don’t.
Dark Koopa: So go to stormy areas, fool! Do I have to come up with everything?
Ruff Puff: You’re worse than Mr. L.
Dark Koopa: Ouch. I guess Thumbs can execute you now.
Thumbs: Ooh, that’s a rarity.
(Thumbs drops a piano on the Poltergust 3000.)
Ruff Puff: I don’t die, you know.
(Thumbs drops another piano on the Poltergust 3000.)
Dark Koopa: So, how do we end this?
Thumbs: I don’t know.
Announcer: Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head-on! Apply directly to the forehead!
(Thumbs drops a piano on the announcer.)
Dark Koopa: That’ll do.
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