Dark Koopa: We have adventured through the lava pits of Dark Land, past the mines of Bob-omb Battlefield, and through the perfume shop across the street… to get free Cable.
Thumbs: Who are we stealing from anyway?
Dark Koopa: It’s not stealing, it’s borrowing without asking. And I took it from Lemmy.
Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!
Dark Koopa: I think he’s on to us.
Mimi: Interview me before I get angry!
Dark Koopa: Ooh, I’m so scared.
Mimi: Shut up, you ugly turtle!
Dark Koopa: At least I’m not a bunch of green squares. Now that’s ugly.
Mimi: How dare you?!
Dark Koopa: Enraging you bores me, so I guess I’ll interview you. First, why are you so ugly?
Mimi: …
Dark Koopa: Fine, new question. Why do you think you’re not ugly?
Mimi: Because I’m not.
Dark Koopa: Let’s say for ego sakes.
Mimi: Fine.
Dark Koopa: Well, I’m out of questions. Can I kill it now?
Thumbs: Too soon.
Dark Koopa: Lame. Guess I’ll watch TV then.
Swooper: Law and Order on?
Dark Koopa: I don’t watch that.
Swooper: Aww…
(Swooper exits the studio. Dark Koopa turns on Law and Order.)
Mimi: I’m a girl, you know, and-
(Dark Koopa turns up the TV to drown out Mimi.)
Lemmy: Hey, wait a minute!
Dark Koopa: … Yes?
Lemmy: You gonna eat that donut?
Dark Koopa: No. It’s been sitting there for weeks.
(Lemmy eats the donut.)
Lemmy: Resume.
Dark Koopa: Gross.
(Mimi smashes the TV.)
Mimi: I WILL be getting my airtime.
Dark Koopa: Hey! Why’d you- Thumbs, get me another TV.
Thumbs: We have more TVs?
Dark Koopa: Yep, whole closetful.
Thumbs: So instead of buying Cable, you bought a bunch of TVs.
Dark Koopa: Just thinking ahead.
Thumbs: Not even gonna ask.
Dark Koopa: As for you, I guess I’ll ask: Why did you join Count Bleck?
Mimi: I dunno. I kinda liked his cause. And he’s nice and stuff.
Dark Koopa: His cause being to destroy the world.
Mimi: And to create a new and better one, of course.
Dark Koopa: How he’d be doing that dead, I don’t know. He was planning to take himself out too, you know.
Mimi: How do you know?
Dark Koopa: I was THERE.
Mimi: No you weren’t. There are no Dark Koopas in Castle Bleck.
Dark Koopa: There should have been!
Mimi: Haha!
Dark Koopa: Hey, shut up. Where’s Thumbs with that TV?
***
Thumbs: Um, where am I?
Pura: I dunno. I’ve been stuck here with a disembodied voice since last Interview.
Voice: Beware!
Thumbs: I bet it’s Tutankoopa.
Voice: Is not!
Thumbs: Is too!
***
Dark Koopa: I guess I have to keep asking questions. Boo! So was that vase in Merlee’s Mansion yours or hers?
Mimi: You think I’d put my things at risk? Obviously hers.
Dark Koopa: So that vase isn’t worth 1,000,000 rubies then?
Mimi: More like five.
Dark Koopa: And to think they could have just said they wouldn’t pay.
Mimi: That’s good guys for you.
Dark Koopa: Something we can agree on. Ew, we agree on something. Gross.
Mimi: Gross indeed.
Dark Koopa: Eww. Two things. Why are you always wearing different clothes?
Mimi: Um, isn’t that what normal people do?
Dark Koopa: Not in the Marioverse. Why I’m calling it the Marioverse, I don’t know. That suggests Mario owns it, and the thought scares me.
Mario: Hi.
Dark Koopa: No!
Mario: Um… Hi!
Mimi: I’m just trying to look nice.
Dark Koopa: You need all the help you can get.
Mimi: I don’t like you.
Dark Koopa: I get that a lot. Now, why did you leave 1,000,000 rubies in a safe if you didn’t want Mario and company to get their hands on that much?
Mimi: I needed to put my ammo somewhere.
Dark Koopa: Is it even real currency?
Mimi: Not yet…
Dark Koopa: So what happens when you get angry?
Mimi: Well, I’m not angry, so-
Dark Koopa: You’re ugly.
(Mimi’s head starts spinning in circles.)
Dark Koopa: That’s lovely. I’m sure you’ll win a lot of bar bets with that. But I don’t see how that’s dangerous.
(Mimi then assumes her spider form.)
Dark Koopa: Oh.
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimimi!
Dark Koopa: Can you even talk in that form?
Mimi: Mimimimimimimimimi!
Dark Koopa: That’s a no. Mind turning back so you can talk?
Mimi: I can talk in this form.
Dark Koopa: Then why are you all “Mimimimimimimimimi!”?
Mimi: I don’t know.
Dark Koopa: Egomaniac.
Mimi: Don’t make me pummel you with rubies.
Dark Koopa: Whatever. How were you invincible in that form the first time?
Mimi: I always was… until Merlee put a spell on me. That jerk.
Dark Koopa: You do know spiders are ugly, right?
Mimi: No, they’re not.
Dark Koopa: Let’s ask a few females then.
Merlee: Ew!
Peach: Ew!
Wendy: Ew!
Susan: Ew!
Daisy: Ew!
Goombella: Ew!
Flurrie: Ew!
Vivian: Ew!
Ms. Mowz: Ew!
Bombette: Ew!
Bow: Ew!
Sushie: Ew!
Susan: Ew!
Dark Koopa: You said ew already.
Susan: Oh.
Mimi: Oh please. What about the males?
Dark Koopa: I’m not going through another long string of ews. Go climb a water spout or something. Out!
(Dark Koopa smacks Mimi with the microphone.)
Mimi: Hmph!
Dark Koopa: Where’s my TV already?
(Thumbs and Pura fall through the ceiling.)
Dark Koopa: When did we get a second floor?
Thumbs: Darn, we lost Tutankoopa.
Voice: I’m not Tutankoopa, I’m a voice!
Dark Koopa: Gimme my TV!
Lemmy: Hey, I just realized something!
Dark Koopa: Uh oh.
Lemmy: You’re a Koopa.
Dark Koopa: …
Lemmy: Also, you’re stealing my Cable!
Dark Koopa: Caw-bul? Pfft. I’m far too advanced for such primitive sources of entertainment. Behold, the talking stick!
Lemmy: That’s a microphone.
Dark Koopa: Why do they call it a microphone anyway? It’s not very small.
Lemmy: And it doesn’t even work. You broke it over Mimi’s head.
Dark Koopa: Who are you?
Lemmy: …
(Lemmy unplugs the Cable.)
Dark Koopa: Can you at least leave the extension cord?
Lemmy: No, I think I’ll keep it, since it’s mine anyway.
Dark Koopa: Lame. At least nothing else can happen.
(Mimi hits Dark Koopa with a rubie.)
Mimi: Hah!
Dark Koopa: That’s it. Where’s my Kuribo Shoe?
Disobedient Cameraman: What an abrupt end.
Dark Koopa: Out!
Disobedient Cameraman: Never!
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