DARK KOOPA interviews GLOOMBA
Dark Koopa: Finally, that Mr. L guy is gone.
Record Player: The man in green. The man in green. King Mr. LLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Thumbs: Denied.
Dark Koopa: Out! But first, announce who I’m interviewing next.
Thumbs: No, and Gloomba.
Dark Koopa: Bwahaha, my time has come!
Thumbs: I’m not cleaning up after you.
Dark Koopa: No, not that. I’ve been potty-trained for weeks now. Besides, didn’t I tell you to leave?
Thumbs: How many times do I have to say no for you to stop making me?
Dark Koopa: Usually once does it, but I’m feeling extra pushy today. Now let’s bring the worthless idiot out.
Gloomba: Excuse me?
Dark Koopa: You. Worthless. Idiot.
Gloomba: Describing yourself?
Dark Koopa: That’s it, I’m bringing back the Wheel of Fate.
Thumbs: That’s not yours.
Dark Koopa: I don’t care. I’m stealing it.
Thumbs: Good luck finding who owns that gag.
Dark Koopa: Yeah, forget it. So Gloomba, why are you inferior to Dark Koopas in every way?
Gloomba: We are not inferior. We’re just easier to kill… and less dangerous.
Dark Koopa: Exactly.
Gloomba: But we’re stronger than regular Koopas.
Dark Koopa: Which are stronger than regular Goombas.
Gloomba: …
Dark Koopa: This is easy. So why are you in the sewers? My sewers?
Gloomba: They’re not yours, and I don’t know why you’d brag over owning a sewer anyway.
Dark Koopa: I have low standards.
Gloomba: As for why I’m in there, it’s because I like dark places. Note that I showed up in the Pit of 100 Trials too.
Dark Koopa: Yeah, at level 10. Dark Koopas appeared at, like, level 50.
Gloomba: Ignoring that.
Record Player: The man in green. The man in green. He can jump oh so hiiiiiiiiiiiigh!
Gloomba: Definitely ignoring that.
Dark Koopa: Thumbs, get the mail.
Thumbs: We don’t get mail.
Dark Koopa: I won’t take no for an answer.
Thumbs: No.
Dark Koopa: Hm, I wasn’t anticipating that.
Thumbs: Fine, I’ll go.
Dark Koopa: Victory!
Thumbs: Now I’m not.
Dark Koopa: Fine, I’ll do it. You do audience questions.
(Dark Koopa exits.)
Thumbs: Already? Okay, fine. Seat 88.
Seat 88: Yes?
Thumbs: Stop talking.
Seat 88: Fine, jerk.
Thumbs: Seat 71.
Boomerang Brother: Why are you stronger than regular Goombas anyway?
Gloomba: Lots of secret underground training.
Thumbs: It’s not really a secret.
Gloomba: Yes it is. Nobody’s found our gym yet!
(Half the audience suddenly gets up and leaves.)
Gloomba: …
Dark Koopa (from outside): Told you they liked me more!
Thumbs: That’s a really bad joke. Seat 67.
Dimentio: I as-
Thumbs: Who let this guy in here?
Dimentio: Ahem…
Thumbs: Clowns belong in the circus, not in studios.
Dimentio: I’m a magician, you fool.
Thumbs: Magicians belong in the circus too.
Dimentio: Just let me ask my question.
Thumbs: No. Seat 68.
(Dimentio fumes.)
Toad: How- Gah!
(Toad is blasted out of his seat and Dimentio sits in it.)
Thumbs: Someone’s desperate.
Dimentio: May I ask my question now?
Thumbs: No. I don’t like clowns.
Dimentio: …
Toad: Ow…
Thumbs: Question please.
Toad: Can you call a doctor?
Thumbs: No. Seat 3.
Goombella: Hi…
Gloomba: Hi.
Goombella: I like you.
Gloomba: … Cool?
Thumbs: That’s creepy. If you don’t have a question, I will be forced to execute a non- NPC.
Goombella: Oh… um… You guys were the Goombas in the underground levels in the original Super Mario Brothers, right?
Gloomba: Yeah…
Goombella: Why were you beaten as easily as regular Goombas then?
Gloomba: Mario was seriously overpowered in that game. He beat practically everything in one hit.
Goombella: So wanna get together later or something?
Thumbs: Someone cut her mic.
Gloomba: Aww…
***
Dark Koopa: Bills, bills, bills. Why do we keep getting Bill’s mail?
Bullet Bill: Aluminum!
Dark Koopa: I really need to move.
***
Thumbs: Seat 68 again.
Dimentio: Now can I ask my ques-
Thumbs: Whoops. Seat 168.
Francis: Are there any hot babes around?
(Pura is conveniently missing.)
Pura: Is the narrator hitting on me?
Thumbs: No, there are no hot babes.
Pura: Is Thumbs saying I’m ugly?
Thumbs: You’re not supposed to be here. The guy in parenthesis said so.
Pura: The guy in parenthesis is wro-
(Pura disappears.)
Francis: Aww.
Dark Koopa: Okay, I’m back.
Thumbs: Good, because I was sick of the title giving you credit for something I’ve been doing.
Dark Koopa: Seat 68.
Dimentio: Final-
Dark Koopa: Ew, a clown. Seat 556.
Dimentio: …
Spike Top: So since you lived in dark places, why didn’t you appear in Mt. Lavalava?
Gloomba: Because the lava made it not-so dark?
Spike Top: What about Sky Land?
Gloomba: …
Dark Koopa: Anywhere besides the sewers would have been great. Seat 89.
Koopa Troopa: If you live in dark places, does that mean you don’t like light?
Gloomba: For the most part, I don’t, yeah.
(Dark Koopa shines a studio light in Gloomba’s eyes.)
Gloomba: Stop that!
Koopa Troopa: Why not wear sunglasses or something?
Dark Koopa: What kind of Koopa are you?! Giving the enemy… ideas.
Gloomba: They’re hard to get on and look kind of stupid-
Dark Koopa: What?!
Gloomba: … But some Gloombas do wear them. Not many, though.
Dark Koopa: Give me that stupid Wheel of Fate!
(Dark Koopa spins the Wheel of Fate and the wheel falls off, rolling over several audience members.)
Wheel of Fate: Stupid clown.
Dimentio: …
Dark Koopa: Nothing ever goes my way. I guess next time I’ll just have to be quick on my feet.
(Dark Koopa begins stomping the Gloomba… with his FEET.)
Gloomba: Pain!
Thumbs: That was the worst pun ever.
Record Player: He’s the Green Thunder, the man in gre-
Mr. L: Oh, there’s my record player.
Record Player: Don’t touch me!
(Mr. L drops the record player and it breaks.)
Mr. L: Guess next time I’ll have to be a bit quicker on my feet.
(Mr. L begins stomping the record player… with his FEET.)
Thumbs: … Cut the tape.
Disobedient Cameraman: Make me!
Thumbs: Fine, don’t.
***
Pura: Where’s this supposed to be?
Voice: Taste!
Pura: Ooh, free sandwich.
Voice: But beware!
Pura: … Didn’t you just say-
***
Thumbs: Not that gag again.
(Thumbs smashes the camera.)
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