(Lemmy and Luigi are seated on a high-tech stage, high-tech meaning there are a bunch of bright lights flashing and blinding Luigi. There is no audience here, which suits Luigi fine because his pants are inexplicably missing.)

Lemmy: Greetings fans, at whatever time it may be when you decide to watch this recording! (laughs) I know I don't have a chance to be seen when this show airs because I'm opposite Survivor and Friends tonight.

Luigi: What?! I have to get home and watch!

Lemmy: Sorry Luigi, you're bound to stay here.

Luigi: Darn! I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract.

Lemmy: Eh, the contract is a factor, but no, I mean you're literally bound to the chair.

Luigi: ... Oh.

Lemmy: I have decided to save money from the high salary-earning janitors and convert to a no audience type situation. Of course, all the bulbs I have on here somehow cost even more than all the salaries, but I think it's worth it.

Cameraman Flurry: I hope you know that all the lights are going to mess up how the film comes out.

Lemmy: Save the science mumbo jumbo for Ludwig. Now, I will ask the first and last questions, then the rest of the time will either be filled up by an old cartoon or calls from the viewers that don't really exist because they're watching other shows. Luigi, do you understand the new instructions?

Luigi: Yeah, I-

Lemmy: Good! Ok, my first question is, what happened to your pants?

Luigi: Hm? Oh... it's inexplicable.

Lemmy: Nice save! You, on line one.

Koopa Troopa: Hi Lemmy! Long-time viewer, second time caller! I was wondering why you still don't have Mario on your show.

Lemmy: Luigi?

Luigi: I... think that question is for you.

Lemmy: ... Flurry?

Luigi: No, you... Lemmy.

Lemmy: Oh! Well, Mario wasn't booked this week, but it costs too much money to get him to appear, so I am going to have to save some money for a while. In the meantime, I hired someone cheap.

Luigi: Hey!

Lemmy: I meant inexpensive, not lame.

Luigi: Oh... hey!

Lemmy: You, on line two.

Matthew: Did you ever notice that if you cancel the first i and add an a to the end, Luigi's name becomes Lugia?

Luigi: No.

Matthew: Haha!

Lemmy: Enlightening conversation! You, on line three.

Wario: Is it true that Waluigi is to you as I am to Mario?

Lemmy: Good thing this question is going to Luigi! I'm not very good at solving analogies.

Luigi: I'm afraid the answer is yes. However I think Waluigi is a wimp. This gives me a little leverage over Mario because my foil is easier to take care of than his.

Lemmy: You, on line four.

Roy: What's your favorite sport?

Luigi: I'm going to have to go with basketball, since my height gives me an advantage.

Lemmy: You, on line five.

Makina: What's a foil?

Luigi: An uncharacteristically sophisticated word that I accidentally used. It means my counterpart.

Flurry: Lemmy, you-

Lemmy: Silence! The only one who can speak to me without using a phone is the interviewee.

Flurry: But-

Lemmy: You, on line six.

Goomba: What is your motive for trying to save the Mushroom Kingdom? Why not leave it to Mario?

Luigi: Duh, everyone tries to sponge off of other people! I figure that if I can find out how to do it well then I'll become the hero. Besides, I know Peach really likes me better but can't come out and say it.

Lemmy: You, on line seven.

Bowser: How would you like to die?

Luigi: Sorry Bowser, I've already figured that answer out. I would like to die of old age.

Bowser: Darn!

Lemmy: You, on line eight.

Flurry: Lemmy! You need to finish up before the film runs out!

Lemmy: Ack! Why didn't you tell me?

Flurry: ... I hate my job.

Lemmy: Noted! Ok, only one more call and then I'll wrap things up. You, on line eight.

Flurry: Uh...

Lemmy: Line nine.

Peach: FRESH!

Luigi: Ow!

Lemmy: Wuh?

Luigi: Oh... sorry. A slap always accompanies that.

Lemmy: Time for my favorite question! Luigi, how should I defeat Mario?

Luigi: ... Do you honestly expect me to tell you how to defeat my own brother?

Lemmy: Yes.

Luigi: Oh. Well, if I was going to defeat Mario as part of an effort to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, I would take over a pizza parlor, advertise until he comes, and poison his food.

Lemmy: Sneaky! I'll leave that one to Larry or maybe Ludwig. Thank you for your appearance, Luigi. I'll see you next time, when I interview-

(The tape cuts off.)

Flurry: I tried to warn you...