Well, the name of this story is really bad, but what I am going to do is list some observations I've made about characters, mostly badguys, having watched movies and TV and played video games. These "rules" have very few exceptions, although if I am aware of one I will try to mention it.

It really makes me upset when badguys make the same mistakes over and over again. So, whenever I list one I will also, when possible, suggest a solution to the problem. If you're a badguy, study up and learn! If you're a goodguy, go away!

Here we go!

1. Badguys can only see straight ahead of them. They can't see anything to the left or right, above or below them, only straight ahead. This is why the goodguys, when they are running away, are always able to avoid badguys by running to the left or right and partially concealing themselves behind an object. In Recycled Koopa, Mario was even able to hide behind a statue, then reach out and steal Hip's wand as he ran past without being noticed until after he had stolen it. Goodguys can always see what the badguys are up to by spying through gratings. Solution: Get glasses! They make you look smart, not stupid. Also, pay attention to what's going on around you! A little less egoism would go a long way.

2. Badguys are very hard of hearing as well. So when the goodguys are breaking in or out of their stronghold, and they are in the air duct above the the badguys, looking down on them through a grating, they can make comments without being perceived. However, this is still dangerous because the grating often breaks open and throws the goodguys down into the room with the badguys (yes, they are then noticed). This mishap only happens if the goodguys are breaking in, never when they are breaking out. Solution: Make sure you can pass a hearing exam before you go into crime. Also make sure that the gratings you put up are cracked.

3. Despite their poor vision and hearing, badguys do have a good sense of taste and smell. If they see an object that they feel is a clue about the goodguy, they will often sniff it and/or taste it, then draw a conclusion. Usually the goodguy is nearby when this happens.

4. Whoever makes the first move will lose. Badguys make the first move nearly all the time by kidnapping someone or blowing something up, or whatever. Once in a while, the goodguys will make the first move, though only in an ongoing series so that the viewer can be sure they are still the goodguys. An example is the Marios in Do the Koopa. The goodguys actually make the first move by trying to find the Doom Dancer Music Box so they can make the Koopas dance forever, but in the end they fail. Solution: Wait for the goodguys to do something a little naughty, then attack. Ok ok, that probably won't work. No obvious solution here.

5. No badguy I have ever seen can shoot straight. The goodguy(s) may be incredibly outnumbered and in the middle of crossfire, but will never be killed. There are a few near exceptions. First, a badguy may, on occassion, shoot one of his own, killing him. A badguy may fatally wound the goodguy's friend, fiancee, etc., thus enraging him and enabling him to destroy all the badguys after releasing a terrible scream. A badguy may also be able to hit the goodguy in the leg or arm, but the wound will be inconsequential and will only strengthen the goodguy, who will not be hit again. After the initial impact the wound will not bother him unless his girlfriend tries to do something for it. Solution: Worry less about number of shots, because you already have the upper hand. Take aim! Putting a site on your guns might help. My favorite solution is to have the goodguy's fiancee actually be one of your own, and then she can torture the goodguy if he has a little wound.

6. Goodguys, on the other hand, always hit their target when they shoot.

7. In a fight, goodguys will nearly always be outnumbered. However, the badguys will attack one at a time, or at least each goodguy will only need to deal with one badguy at a time. As a result, the goodguys will have no problem beating up all the badguys. Solution: Don't wait! Attack together! Teamwork!

8. All major badguys (i.e., the one doing the plotting) and goodguys talk to themselves. Goodguys do it a little less often because they usually have other goodguys to talk to, while many major badguys have no equivalent near them. Additionally, both badguys and goodguys can project their thoughts so we can hear them.

9. All major badguys think they are geniuses. Once in a while they are right. All major badguys also think their underlings, flunkies, minions, etc. are useless or stupid. They are correct, with the exception that oftentimes there is one minion who is smarter than the others and ends up helping the goodguys when he realizes what is going on. Solution: Do it yourself!

10. All badguys will be able to find whatever weapon of destruction they need with little trouble. If they can't make it, one of their minions can (often the one who defects). If no minion makes it then some scientist has just invented it and the machine is easily stolen, often along with the scientist.

11. Goodguys will be able to find any useful resource they need to combat goodguys. Often this means suddenly having an item on them that they sorely need. They also like to walk in and out of costume shops, without money appearing to be an issue. Power-ups are always readily available if the goodguys can use them, though they may also state that the power-ups are the last ones around. In nearly all cases the citizens of whatever area the goodguys are in love the goodguys and would do anything they can do to help, although often that means painfully little because citizens are as weak as cardboard. An exception is for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (yes, I still remember them), who were feared by most of the humans of New York.

12. A goodguy can be captured fairly easily. Nets work well, and sometimes when the goodguy is outnumbered by badguys, the badguys do actually attack at once, but they don't kill, only capture. Goodguys in groups are rarely captured, but it is possible.

13. A goodguy cannot be killed no matter what. Even if the goodguy is captured, there will always be a way out. If the goodguy has no allies he will usually be left alone, often on one of those deadly conveyor belts, but will always manage to escape, just in time if the predicament is deadly. If the goodguy has allies, they will suddenly show up and save the captive just before the major badguy is able to kill him. Occassionally a goodguy with allies will escape on his own as well. Often the ally is one made recently in that episode. Solution: For one, never, NEVER leave your prisoner unattended. In fact, you should stay with them at all times, because guard underlings are exceptionally stupid. Their skills are sleeping, dropping keys to the cells, and getting beaten up after they open the cage to investigate a "sick" prisoner. Better, just kill the prisoner with a shot to the head point blank immediately. Instruct your underlings to do so immediately after their capture of the prisoner.

14. Many badguys are just flunkies with no name. They can be killed, imprisoned, etc. for any reason. Many badguys are killed by the enraged main badguy. However, any badguy with a name cannot be killed. They may be captured, and this ends the movie, show, or game. If this does happen, there will always be the lingering threat of their escaping, which often is the cause of the next episode. If a named badguy appears to be dead, he is almost certainly not, and will soon rise up for round two, much stronger than before. Solution: Make sure all your minions are named, and instruct them to play dead if they ever start to lose.

15. All broken machines can be fixed by kicking them. No matter what. However, if there is a genius nearby, he will be able to fix the machine the "real" way, taking lots of time, even though kicking it would still work, at least long enough for the machine to complete its task.

16. The goodguys always show up JUST as the badguys are about to complete their master plan, whether it be killing someone, taking over the world, or, on rare occassions, something more original. Usually the badguy only needs to press one large button, and he will always tell the goodguys that they are too late, or something along those lines. However, the badguy will always be stopped from pressing the button, or else he will press it but the effects don't happen immediately and the goodguys will be able to stop it just in time, or destroy the machine, or move the endangered person before the beam hits. Occasionally the button will prove to do nothing at all, in which case the badguy will be very embarrassed, threaten to return, and escape. Solution: Add just one more obstacle in the way of the goodguys than you were intending. Better, press the button WHILE saying the goodguys are too late, rather than after. The few seconds difference is all that you need.

17. Just before a fight scene, or right after encountering the prisoner their flunkies have just captured, the main badguy always feel the need to tell the goodguys the specifics of his master plan. He will usually call stupid any of his minions that chime in, but will have no quams with answering any of the goodguys' questions. Often the questioning is a plan devised by the goodguys to buy time. Always the conversation will waste time for the major badguy, who will lose shortly after telling his plan. Often more goodguys will crash in right behind the main badguy just as he finishes. The captive will mention there is one problem, the badguy will act surprised, and then the goodguys will show up and win. Solution: Never talk. In fact, write down your instructions for your minions (make sure at least one can pass a literacy test), since occassionally minions will hear you incorrectly. Once again, kill the prisoner immediately. Never, NEVER listen or react to anything that the goodguys or prisoners say.

18. Citizens will be universally grateful to the goodguys for beating the badguys, even if their leader is not captured and despite any damage caused, and will offer a reward that will nearly always be declined. An exception occured in an episode of The Powerpuff Girls (I watch the greatest things, don't I?). The girls had moved to Citiesville, but were confronted by an angry mayor after destroying an expensive bridge while stopping two bandits. They were also required to return to jail in another episode. They broke out of jail to stop the badguys after they were put in by the mistake, but they did break the law in doing so. Solution: Make sure the goodguys have to destroy something valuable in order to stop you. If they end up in jail or are kicked out, you can lead your next assault unimpeded.

19. The goodguys are rarely prepared for the badguys' assault. Usually they learn of the plot while eating, watching TV or a movie (always something stupid), sleeping, or doing some other trivial activity. Only "hard core" goodguys, the serious ones, will be prepared.

20. If the goodguys of a cartoon show are plagued by different major badguys at different times, at least once during the show's lifetime there will be an episode in which several or all of the major badguys team up for a major assault, or at least more than one major badguy will chance to attack at the same time. The goodguys will have no trouble winning, though. If the badguys team up, they will eventually fight amongst themselves over who is the strongest or smartest or who will gain what reward, during which time the goodguys will be able to win. If the badguys are just attacking at the same time, the goodguys will be able to get them to attack each other, or something like that. Solution: Swallow your pride and team up with all the badguys you can find. Be sure to work out and agree to all the terms of the union BEFORE you go out and fight. Once the goodguys are out of the way, AND YOU KNOW FOR SURE THEY ARE DEAD (a major error), if you really are the master mind you claim to be you'll be able to take care of the other badguys.

21. In every cartoon and movie, and in every video game with a storyline well-enough developed, the goodguy will be placed in a perilous situation. He may be captured, have to encounter his greatest fear, be down to his last hit, strangely not have the item he needs (the badguy will then hold it up and ask if he's looking for it), or arrive seemingly too late to stop the badguy. Although it appears that the goodguy has lost or will soon, he will still manage to come out ahead. Solution: Make sure the goodguy can't escape the perilous situation, duh!

22. Both goodguys and badguys continually crack corny jokes, which really aren't very funny but the other characters laugh if one of their own told it. The jokes are often puns, but if coming from the badguy may be sarcastic. A pun nearly always ends a cartoon, fairly often a movie. The major badguy will also have a really stupid and annoying laugh, and his smile will look diabolical. Solution: Please, either can the jokes, or go to clown school for a year before going into crime.

23. Nearly every show, movie, and game has a distinct goodguy and badguy. Sometimes, when the show is not an adventure or anything, it's more like having an antagonist, someone annoying. For example, in the cartoon Ed, Edd, and Eddy, the Canker Sisters are antagonists, if not distinctly badguys... although they are able to win, or at least gain some ground. The other kids in the cauldesach (sorry, I know that's spelled wrong) may also qualify as antagonists on an individual basis. The only shows that don't have an antagonist are shows for preschoolers, like- no, I refuse to name any. Solution: The first time you attack the goodguys, try to fool them into thinking that you are also goodguys (be sure not to commit a crime before meeting them). Lure them to where you want them, then kill!

24. With very few exceptions, most of them being intended mysteries, the goodguys figure out very quickly who has commited a crime, even though they may have many major badguys to guess from. Often goodguys are helped by the fact that the badguys will announce their actions via TV, a brick through the goodguys' window, or a neon sign. Solution: Don't leave any clues! The extra time it would take for the goodguys to figure out what's going on could be enough for you to complete your master plan. If there are other badguys around, try to copy their style to throw the goodguys off your trail. Better, team up with the other badguys, then mix it up, so that the goodguys have no idea what's going on. Also, plans in which you bait the goodguys into coming to your trap are basically doomed to fail (though they may seem to work at first), so be very careful of them.

25. I'm sure there are even more rules! When I come up with them, I will add them on to this story.