Punchinello, reported by ghettobananachris
Punchinello, reported by ghettobananachris
Name: Punchinello
Appeared In: Super Mario RPG
Favorite Color: Black (the color of his bombs)
Age: 35
Favorite Videogame: Bomberman
Favorite Movie: Dr. StrangeLove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Atom Bomb
Favorite Book: How to Build a Nucleur Bomb and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction
Favorite Hero: Wario (he uses bombs in MK:DD!!)
Favorite Villain: Big Bob-omb
Favorite Food: Carp (Didn't expect that, did ya? What did you expect, bombs or something?)
Like: Making bombs, explosions, Michael Bay action sequences, James Bond, The Thing from Fantastic Four
Dislikes: Mole people in the village near the mind, duds, Bob-omb Buddies (Why won't they explode already? Stupid pink bombs...)
Punchinello was born the same way as all the other eggplant-bomb-looking things and lived a normal life up to the point it stopped being normal, which is usually the point normality ceases to exist. His parents, being grotesque eggplant bomb-looking things as well, were hated for being so ugly. Since they lived in a village full of moles, they didn't exactly fit in either. Therefore, the Grand Mole Tarkin banished them to the mines and they were not allowed to leave. The parents were allowed to send out little Punchinello to retrieve necessities, and just like every cliche story about prejudice ostracizing some group of people, he was met with hate when the moles saw him. However, one day, he stumbled upon a stick of dynamite outside the mines when he was sent on errands. He snuck it home that night and tinkered with it, and it blew up.
His parents were killed. That line, delivered with no emotional strength, reflected Punchinello's feelings. The explosion fascinated him more than the tragedy of simultaneous matricide and patricide. This is not to say he walked away unscathed; he looked even uglier. Look at that face, that smile looks hideous. He used to look a little better, but don't worry, he was always ugly, so you didn't lose someone attractive or anything.
After these darker parts of the story faded out, Punchinello devoted his life to the research of bombs, explosives, and Michael Bay action sequences. He also became addicted to James Bond movies and adopted a couple catchphrases from him and his favorite comic book hero, The Thing. He watched fictional movies and books in order to find out the best way to present a bomb, and did many other bomb-related things that would get very boring if they were all listed.
Punchinello was not without emotions, however, for he often longed for a companion or attention, since seclusion did get rather lonely and having dead parents had set in a couple days after their death. He tried to befriend Bob-ombs, but their explosive personalities created short-lived friendships and led to overscheduling due to all the funerals he had to attend for them. Eventually he decided he wanted friends who lived less like Mayflies and were capable of conversations. He attempted to strike deals with people for his bombing services, but it seems the Mafia is not big on friendships and miners are just plain rude, so he decided that instead of friendships, he wanted to develop fame. Then people would be friends and suck up to him even if he acted like a jerk.
Punchinello tried many things to gain publicity, bombing places was a bad idea from the start, though, so that ended quickly. He tried to fake eruptions of mountains, but it seemed infamy was obtained instead of positive fame. Also, villains didn't like hoaxers, so he couldn't gain fame in the world of evil either! However, one day two children were walking through the mines, except one carried the other, so I guess one walked and the other was carried through the mines. Anyway they were mole children, because humans seem rather scarce in the Mushroom Kingdom, so strangely enough, moles are the likely candidates of wandering through mines. Anyway, they made their way through the mines and encountered the grotesque Punchinello hard at work working on his work, as workers often do. The one old enough to vocalize words vocalized some words along the lines of "What are you doing?", and when the recluse heard these words, four options ran through his mind: kill
them, capture them, give them delicious heart-shaped cookies and a Snoogie, or all of the above. Using the process of elimination, he narrowed the answer down to B and C, so he just picked one and captured them. He felt bad afterwards because he didn't know if he’d picked the right answer, because C had seemed like the correct answer; but he had picked C for his answer the last two times he had to make a decision, so he picked B.
The mole people went crazy, it was a Mole-Mania (Anybody get it? No? Nintendo published it. Never mind.) When the amazin’ man Mario came to the village with his cloudy companion Mallow and the wooden wayfarer Geno, they heard from the mad moles that the children had gone missing in the mine aforementioned many times because mine has almost no synonyms besides mineshaft. So the three trekked into the mineshaft and looked to find the kids. While a purple crocodile who looked like Barney would if he didn't use skin lotion kept them busy, Punchinello formed a plan: bomb them, and get fame for killing Mario. It was foolproof. His plan of action was simple: throw bombs ‘til they die. Perfect.
Maybe not. Mario got past all the bombs and made it to where Punchinello was detaining the moles and a rather interesting, shiny object of obviously no importance since it looked like part of something that had broken, was lodged conspicuously in a mine wall after falling from the sky and landing there without puncturing the ceiling. Punchinello had to change his plan: bomb them and slash them ‘til they die. This was an amazingly clever plan, and Punchinello added patting himself on the back to his list of things to do later. After delivering his James Bond and Thing quotes, he began to execute his plan.
Much to his dismay, it didn't go as planned. His bombs, even the really big ones that exploded even better, didn't work. The heroes also somehow killed bombs without blowing them up. Seriously, if you hit a bomb with your cymbals, it’s gonna blow up on you, you dumb cloud. However, Physics was taking a break with Reason and didn't plan to return until a later Mario game. Therefore, he made the final adjustment to his plan: blow everything up. He decided to summon his ultimate bomb, which didn't come quite as expected. It fell on top of the poor old guy, proving that the eggplant part of his species name may have a bit of credibility. Although the bomb exploded postmortem of our subject, it was a dud, and simply singed its targets.
Since neither eggplants nor bombs leave easily recovered body bits after death, he was not placed in a grave, but a grave was set up to honor his memory. Mallow felt guilty for killing so many people while saving the world, so amongst the many graves Mallow made, there is one marked like this:
Punchinello
It didn't make sense that my cymbals didn't cause the volatile contents of his bombs to explode, but let that not effect our memories of this... what was he? An eggplant or something I think. Anyway, it is hard carving tombstones with idle thoughts, so I'll wrap this up. Let us remember that no one deserves to die, even ugly murderers who kidnap innocent children.
Apparently Mallow forgot to put RIP, so Punchinello had the privilege of becoming a Boo. Unbeknownst to Mario, this specific incarnation of Punchinello was located in Big Boo's Mansion in Super Mario 64, where a blue coin in his interior spelled his fate when Mario greedily killed a ghost for it, thus destroying Punchinello's soul and ending any chance to an afterlife.
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